[cotambear]

Welcome to the bridge of the USSS (United Siam Space Ship) completely
unfettered Free Enterprise.

KIRK - Ensign Noi, I have summoned you to this officers meeting to examine your recent behavior which we feel may not reach the standards expected of a starfleet officer

NOI - Big Smile

KIRK - Perhaps you would like to explain why you invariably turn up two hours late for bridge duty?

NOI - Big Smile

KIRK - er, right. Perhaps you can explain your behavior at first contact with the Romulan Star Empire? At this tense diplomatic moment you were observed repeatedly pestering Romulan Senator Ranak for `lady drinks`.

NOI - Big Smile

KIRK - mmm, Engineer Scott, do you have something to contribute?

SCOTTY - Aye captain, well, you know I had a wee store of fine malts. They were substituted for a chemical that the tricorder analysed as `Mekong`, a foul astrigent. I suspect this wee lassie of no good.

NOI - Big Smile

SCOTTY - As well captain, my records show repeated use of the transporters for short journeys around the ship.

NOI - I no like walk

KIRK - Well, there is an infestation of Rigelian Jumping Bugs in your quarters. Explain!

NOI - I get hungry, must eat

KIRK - But our replicators are state of the art, they can be programmed to produce the finest cuisine!

NOI - I no like Farang food.

KIRK - uuuurggh - Bones, what`s your view?

MCCOY - Well Jim, this girls in twice a day with all kinds of imaginary complaints, she`s a hypocondriac! And she`s always pestering for tatoos or boob jobs. I`m a Doctor Jim, not a plastic surgeon!

SULU - Yesterday I issued her with a gold com badge and a brand new communicator. Within 2 hours she`d pawned it to a Farengi!

NOI - I like you Japanese man, big money.

KIRK - There`s only one way to get to the bottom of this. Spock!

SPOCK - Captain?

KIRK - Prepare to mind meld

NOI - You no touch my head!

KIRK - Do it Spock!

SPOCK - Urrrrrrrrr. I`m making contact captain. Her mind is completely illogical!

MCCOY - Break contact Spock, you`re in danger!

SPOCK - I`ve severed the link.

KIRK - Well Ensign Noi, I think we`ve heard enough. You`re unsuitable for service on this ship, every other word you say is a lie.

NOI - YOU SAY I LIE?

KIRK - Well, Yes

NOI - I NO LIKE YOU ! YOU FAT UGLY OLD BALD FARANG!

MCCOY - Well, she`s got you there, Jim.