[IRISH JONNY]

A WHITE haired man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday night with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he told the jeweller.

So he looked through his stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at £5,000.

"I don't think you understand," he said. "I want something very unique."

The jeweller then went and got his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring which costs £40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled and the man said he would take it.

"How are you paying sir?" asked the jeweller.

"I'll pay by cheque - but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque now and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll come back on Monday to collect the ring."

Monday morning a very angry off jeweller phoned the man.

"You git," he screamed. "You lied to me. There's no money in that account!"

"I know," giggled the man. "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"





FOUR men went golfing one day. Once on the course, three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went to the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragged about their sons.

The first man told the others: "My son is a builder and is so successful that he gave a friend a brand new house for free."

The second man said: "My son is a car salesman and owns a huge dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new BMW with all the extras."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged: "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio worth £100,000."

It was at this point that the fourth man joined them on the tee.

The first man said: "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar."

The three friends looked down at the grass and smirked.

The fourth man carried on: "Admittedly, I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job. But he must be doing pretty well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new BMW and a stock portfolio worth £100,000



CLYDE the skater died in a fire and was badly burnt. The morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

They went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clyde said: "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said: "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked: "How can you tell?" Zeke said. "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say: "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes



BIOLOGY professor Mr White asked one of the girls in his class: "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily: "Mr White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me.

"I assure you that my parents will hear of this."

With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr White asked Miss Jones the same question.

She replied: "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."