You might ask since I don't speak Thai how I can know what the girls are talking about on the phone. Good question. And the answer is that I don't know what they are talking about. But I do know what they can NOT be talking about (see above extremely partial list) because I have been in the trenches with Poom (LOML) for two years. And believe me when I tell you that if you could fold paper airplanes small enough you could fly them around inside her skull. Nothing. Zippo. Nadda. Goose Egg. There is nothing up there. If I tap her head the dog starts barking. He thinks someone is at the door.
When I first met Poom (LOML) two and half years ago in the Nana Hotel parking lot she thought a paradox was two piers in a harbor, and she was saving money on birth control by only taking every other pill. I thought it was innocence and charm. Recently I have ripped the S section out of my dictionary so that I won't have to see the word Stupid. When I first spotted her in the parking lot she was wearing a T-shirt that said ******S DO IT WITH HOOKS. What? I thought it was innocence and charm.
Let's consider what else Poom (LOML) can't be talking about–
WWI or WWII (ah heck, name any war)
The need for fiscal restraint and time management (white people talking–she zones out)
How to read a train, plane, or bus schedule (she asks the monks for help)
A modern nations need for oil (oil is what others cook with–she doesn't cook, remember?)
Macro and Micro economic theories (she only uses macro and micro when referring to scorpions)
International Time Zones ("Where is International in Thailand?")
Celestial Navigation (if you want to know where you are, you ask monks)
Theories of Child Development (apathetic)
Pollution (indifferent)
Manufacturing Techniques (BORING)
Slate roofs in Cologne, Germany ("Is Cologne in Laos? Laotians are Pigs!")
United Nations charity work in Thailand (doesn't give a rat's ass)
The fact that the King was born in America (farang lie)
The cultures of contiguous-to-Thailand countries like Burma and Laos and Cambodia or countries further afield like Vietnam or China (no concept of being Asian–there are Thais and foreigners)
Carbon Dating (she ain't dating no Carbon, unless he has more money than me)
DNA (she's really snoring now)
Crop Rotation (she thought crop rotation was holding rice seeds in your hands while you were on a Ferris wheel)
OK, it's a long list; and after a while it can look like piling on. No need to be a bully. But wait a minute–some of the line items are noteworthy:
The concept and value of Punctuality (not even a glancing blow)
The long odds on ghosts actually existing (only a stupid farang would question ghosts)
The name of Thailand's Prime Minister (no clue)
The fact that the Moon revolves around the Earth and that the Earth revolves around the Sun ("Do the farangs have a moon?")
Futility of buying lottery tickets when the lottery is crooked (unconcerned–"You're making my head hurt!")
So she's not a modern person. That's not her fault. Let's not be unfair. She is Thai and that is as good and as special as being anything else. So that means she can do Thai arts and crafts, right? Dream on–
Lacquerware–no knowledge and no interest. I have been to the factory and made the purchases.
Silverware–only interested if it is free farang gift–and gold that can be pawned is better.
Basket weaving (what, are you nuts?–she doesn't even cook)
How about museums and galleries and zoos and botanical gardens and city parks (Nope and Nope and Nope and Nope and Nope. BORING)
OK, lets try umbrella making or the furniture factory or Gemopolis or the Teak house or the Palace. Nah, it's me again who takes an interest and knows about this stuff. I just love it when the Thais tell farangs that we don't know anything about Thais or Thailand or Thai culture. Really? Want to put it to the test?
So, when your girlfriend (the parrot) and my girlfriend (the soi dog) are talking on and on and on clutching their cellphones–WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? And another thing, Oops–I just heard a rock crash through my window. I've got a call coming in. Catch you later.
Link to original story here
http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/reader/reader946.html