[Coolhand]

Originally Posted by Viz top tips

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in
front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by
standing outside their window and changing their channel using your
identical remote control.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into
thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because
you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style,
and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong
name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in
is the LEFT f*cking one.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around wearing a miner's hat.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid
for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find
the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used
for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only
2 days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or
bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn
whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the
escaping gas.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck
you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for
a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front
window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in
the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which
items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you
can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative,
but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a
red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing
in the first place, you fat bastards.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least
you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer
by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue,
and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's ar*e, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them,
asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way
through their reply.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands
under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every
time you want to speak.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights
on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in
the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as
well as fun-sized ones for giants.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.
This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a
name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of
getting the job.