[junkhouse]

A few years ago, I met a gal that I was interested in but who soon told me that not only would I have to pay a dowry that went to her parents, while they also expected that I would be giving them something every month for as long as they lived. I asked why this was the case and how much they expected from their other children? The answer was of course most disappointing, as I was informed that because I was richer than the other potential ‘luk kery’ (son-in-law), I should paying the most, of course her salary was going for her ‘needs’.

This is also the first gal that surprised me not long after we became a couple by stating her love for me, using English. Please note that this is not what it may seem on the surface. Thais ‘love’ to use ideas (concepts) in English that they are uncomfortable with or unable to say in Thai, curse words for example, or anything that sounds sophisticated or ‘modern’. Sorry but my gal will have to do MUCH better than this. She must be willing to tell in Thai, the proper way. On another occasion she expressed this love using the phrase (nickname, rak khun); well those of you who know Thai understand that this is a ridiculous way of espousing one's love for someone. The Thai language has a very succinct way of stating someone’s true love for someone they consider as a spouse, ‘chan rak ther’; NOT (nickname or chan) rak khun, and for someone who is relatively competent in Thai (taken university exams and regularly done simultaneous Thai-English-Thai interpretation as part of my job), her ridiculous expression was an insult. It also violates other aspects of my criteria for a spouse as it is not honest, and tells me that that this gal thinks of me as perhaps just another idiot farang.

I told this gal that she either had to express her love for me properly or not say anything at all. If she wanted to show she loved me, she should demonstrate it and also say it correctly in Thai, and if I ever heard that ridiculous statement again our relationship would be over - I realized at that moment, that she really didn’t think I understood Thai very well, as she always wanted to speak English-more about this later. If she was either too stupid or incompetent to appreciate my ability in Thai, then we had no future together and if she ever insulted me again, that way, then I would leave (We did end our relationship soon afterwards, not necessarily because of this statement alone, but it was a signal to me that this gal thought of me only as an idiot-farang).

My view is that if your girlfriend expresses her love for you in Thai, in the inappropriate way noted above, forget her. She may say, “I love you” in English, but this is easy to say in a foreign language that doesn’t begin to provide the same connotation and meaning to her as when expressed in her native tongue and in the proper way. You really need to understand Thai in order to appreciate the significance of the language nuances, in this context. How many of you have learned a little Thai and tried to show off by interspersing Thai words in your sentences, e.g., the food is ped, or something is sabaai? Now you think you’ve gotten the hang of the language and you have learned some Thai slang and tried to show of your expertise using these terms only to find your Thai friends shocked or laughing at your statement as it was used in appropriately. How many of you have heard Thais use English slang phrases and thought how ridiculous they sounded? (Hint: one of the quickest ways to undermine your credibility in a foreign language is to misuse slang phrases; which are very difficult to learn to use in an appropriate context; if you don’t think so just reflect on your last English language conversation with a bar girl who was using a lot of slang. It is not just the words that matter, but also the context, and in Thai there are many ways to state feelings that may all seem to be the same, but which have radically different meanings. The use of the word love (rak) is one of these. In short, if your gal really loves you and knows that your Thai is pretty good, then she should be willing to espouse her love for you in Thai, the proper Thai way. A Thai’s unwillingness to do this for me is a giveaway that she doesn’t respect me, AT ALL. (I shouldn’t need to discuss the issues related to referring to her older ‘faen’ [boyfriend] - either to your face or especially her friends or anyone else - as lun, [Uncle]...dump her you fools!!!). Also, keep in mind that Thais will VERY seldom express their intimate feelings for another. When your Thai gal expresses her love for you, you may learn more about her feelings for you than you expect, especially if she says this in public, as a Thai (male or female) would NEVER state this love in public, as it is too embarrassing. ONLY *****S/GOLDDIGGERS DO THIS!

My devotion to my wife is above EVERYTHING else, the kids come second, and then maybe OUR parents, etc. If I can’t have a similar commitment, I want her to at least be willing place me just after the kids. If my wife were Thai, she also better be able to espouse her love to me properly.


4) Accommodation and compromise...or just giving up – In the movie, “When Harry Met Sally”, Billy Crystal explains to Meg Ryan that there are basically two types of women, high and low maintenance, which is determined by what the woman felt were the necessities in life, what they could do for themselves, and what others should provide. Meg Ryan said she was low maintenance, while Billy Crystal responded that Meg was the most difficult combination of the two as she was a high maintenance gal (because she wanted things the way she wanted them) who thinks she is low maintenance. Most of my Thai faens were this latter type of high maintenance, who like to believe they are low maintenance. I’ve had many female friends over the years, and many of them were truly low maintenance, at least it seemed this way to me. Fun loving people, who didn’t require much to make them happy. Most also seemed to be fairly independent, which is both a characteristic of low maintenance people and a trait I admire in all my friends and seek in a spouse. Unfortunately, something happens to Thai women when they get a faen. They quickly transform themselves into rather needy and demanding high maintenance women, who don’t think they are much of a burden on anyone, or at least think they can smile and connive their way into getting what they want. One day you wake up and wonder what happened?

Even Thai adults still often remind me of stubborn self-centered children, who need instant gratification and have to get their own way most of the time. The idea of compromise, especially with a farang, is difficult in the best of circumstances as it almost becomes a contest of face and will that is often engaged in for the superficial reasons of being able to beat the foreigner at something.

How many times do you say no to your gal about something she wants and then shortly afterward are asked the same thing again? How many times does she have to ask before you give in? Does this seem childish? It is not just poor uneducated country girls who do this, as my experience with middle-class gals is similar. Apparently, the man is supposed to give in, and she is supposed to be able to get her guy to do things her way. If not she will pout, sulk, won’t talk and of course, no sex. Sometimes it seems like everything with a Thai woman requires a great deal of negotiation, although if your wife is relatively ‘educated’ and can appreciate western style logic then it is much easier to deal with these things. I would be happy to try and learn her Thai system of logic and use that, but I have yet to meet a Thai who can explain their system of logic to me in a way I can understand as a philosophy that seeks consistent reliable outcomes. I still have much to learn about Thailand and Thai culture. Anyway, if you have trouble dealing with the supposedly easy compromises in Thailand, here are my extreme examples that I try to point out to my girlfriends what I could be asking to negotiate when they think that they are really going overboard in trying to accommodate me. How many of your faen will understand these issues?

I come from a NW European background (my parents were immigrants to America) where the bride would bring a dowry into the marriage. So why should I be the one to provide the dowry for my Thai wife? A logical point to make is that since both Thai and European cultures have contrasting views about this issue, then we could split the difference, i.e. have no dowry at all. It is equally reasonable for me to ask for a dowry as for her to ask, so why should I be the one to give in? Why should the Thai tradition take precedence over mine? Now you say that I come from a wealthier background, or that I am one generation from my European roots, or that the husband should concede to the values of the wife in this case. Why? None of these points are any more valid or logical than my argument as to why we should have no dowry all. My father was the first man in his family not to ask for a dowry, he made a decision to lose this cultural trait when he moved to America because he wasn’t in his home culture anymore and the woman he was marrying was not of the same cultural background. If I am asking a Thai woman to come live with me in America, why can’t she be willing to forgo this tradition since she is marrying into, and would be living in, a different culture?