[junkhouse]

Also remember that the purpose of the Thai dowry is NOT for the parents but for the wife, her ‘nest egg,’ in the event of a broken marriage. The parents are not supposed to be receiving any of this. Any divorce in America would reward her with much more in the long run than any dowry I would provide. It should also be relatively easy for her to find a job in America, that is if she is really as well educated as she claims. Why is the tradition of sinsot so important? I once asked a girlfriend if we married and moved to America how she expected me to provide for her parents. I then asked what she would do with her salary if/when she started working. Of course, she (the same person who couldn’t adequately express her ‘love’ for me) explained that my income was for the ‘family’, for the kids, and for her parents, and that if she made any money it was hers. Sorry, but this doesn’t work for me. Several years ago, I remember reading an article written by a prominent Thai businessman who addressed this issue. He noted that when he married, since both he and his wife worked, they decided that the best way to handle this is was that 10% of each of their salaries be given to their parents, it seemed reasonable that they should each contribute to helping both parents (of course they also both came from similar economic backgrounds).

So now my question is raised about taking care of parents when one is farang and one is Thai. What is the most equitable distribution of income? If my Thai wife is working, how much should she be contributing to supporting the family? Keep in mind that my cultural tradition suggests that, what ever my gender, I still have responsibility to my parents, even if helping them in their old age can be costly. So what about my parents? My girlfriend innocently inquired why the U.S. government wasn’t taking care of my parents. Sorry, but this gal was sorely misinformed; in the U.S. the government provides only a small amount of assistance in this regard. Families should have pensions or retirement income from work or savings to cover most of these costs, or equity in their houses, which they often have to sell, either to pay for care of the elderly or in order to lower their financial assets so that the government will provide increased financial assistance.

For several years now, my mother has been in an assisted living center. My sister and I had to put her there because Mom can no longer take care of herself. Mum needs someone to keep an eye on her, and my sister simply cannot do this on her own as she has her own family and a job, and I don’t live in close by and also travel frequently. So, my sister and I decided that an assisted living center would be best for Mom. Mother loves it there, as she doesn’t have to cook, she has lots of new friends, they do all sorts of fun things, show plenty of movies and take trips, and she never has to worry about being looked after in case she falls and breaks her arm again, etc. Perfect, but it ain’t cheap! Between my father’s pension and Mom’s social security, Mum still doesn’t have enough monthly income to pay all the bills. So where does my Thai ‘faen’ get her wild ideas about marrying ‘rich’ farang? It is perfectly clear to me, between my sister and myself we split the difference of the portion my mother’s bill not covered by mother’s income.

So now, am I also supposed to take care of my wife’s family? How much support is my wife required to provide and how much support from me? My position is this, I will take care of my mother’s assistance (my income is higher and my mother’s care costs are higher), if my wife is working at a decent job in America, then she can take care of her family using her own income. This seems reasonable to me, but in reality Thai women I’ve known don’t seem to see it this way. I am supposed to take care of her parents... as well as my own. Well, sorry but this Thai perspective doesn’t work for me. First, I am supposed to cave in on the dowry, and now be the sole supporter of her parents? What is my wife going to compromise on, and what else am I suppose to give in to?

Well, here’s what else. How much Thai do you speak at home? It seems to me that this issue should also be something of mutual benefit. In the past, it was no question with my girlfriends that my Thai was better than their English. However, over the past 10 years, many Thais have really become proficient in English. This is great, as I like to speak the language in which we can best communicate, English, Thai, it doesn’t matter, although I think spouses should be willing to help each other learn their native language.

One of my problems with Thais today, is that they have this incredible need to be able to show me how well they speak English. I am impressed at the speed with which many Thais have improved their English language skills in the past 30 years. It used to be that whenever I was in Thailand, I used only Thai, except when speaking to high-ranking government officials or leading businessmen who had to work with English on a regular basis. This is no longer the case. In fact, most Thais who I now work with speak much more grammatically correct English than I do. I’m impressed by these individual’s abilities and I am happy to use English. However, I also want to keep up on my Thai.

If you know a Thai who wants to learn English, though, you are apparently supposed to be their private tutor. Twenty years ago Thais would frequently tell me how well I spoke Thai. Today, however, due to my lack of opportunity to speak or need to read the language and the sheer number of gifted young farang who now reside in the country my Thai abilities are almost never complimented when I speak in Bangkok, although I do receive compliments upcountry, but my Thai abilities are declining because I don’t get to speak the language as much as I used to.

So the question to my girlfriend/spouse is, “what language do we speak at home”? Can we speak both languages so that we both become or stay fluent in the language foreign to us? Does this ever happen? Here is how it has worked for me. My Thai girlfriend says “I don’t have the chance to speak English”, as I can’t afford either the cost of English lessons in Thailand or a trip to America. OK, so we can speak English in Thailand so you can practice, but if we are in Thailand all the time, when do I get a chance to speak English? Well silly, I’m suppose to speak Thai with everyone else....all the other Thais, but of course these people all want to speak English with me as well, for the same reasons. How about when we are in America, what language will we speak with each other then? Well silly, she says, “when we are in America I will speak English with you because that is the language used in America”. So, I ask, when we will have a chance to speak Thai with one another? This, of course, hasn’t dawned on her because this issue isn’t about helping one another, it is all about her. She wants me to be her private English language tutor, because after all, I speak Thai so well that I don’t need to practice. Well, sorry but that is crap as she usually just wants to make me feel good by feeding my ego. Thais don’t want me to be able to know the language really well anyway, because they are threatened by a foreigner who can understand their language well. If I don’t continue to practice the language, I won’t speak well for very long.....and of course that is the point; you only speak Thai well when you have a chance to practice, but apparently not with your faen, you are supposed to be speaking Thai with everyone else. You are there to serve her education in a foreign language and your interests are tangential to her wants.