SHE Proposed

[Nid Noy]

Hey Guys,
Been awhile since I posted. I'm still finding my legs here in LA. It's all good though.

Recently, I had a cool job offer doing some editing on a movie and told my gal pal from Japan about it. She got all excited about it, emailed back and wrote, "I think that we should be married, I know that you are my destiny. Would you like to marry?"



Playfully, I answered back, "Would you say yes?" and I think she misunderstood my little tease and is starting to make wedding plans.



To be honest guys, I wrote this girl off long ago. I was not expecting this and I need to slow this train down, if anything. Giving up my bachelorhood is not an easy thing for this BM. IOW, I'm not all that sure that I want to marry this gal. And of course, if I go through with this, I probably will have to give up my legendary bachelor sojourns to that lovely isle on the Andaman Sea.

Anyway, I'm trying to work it over in my mind. Maybe it wouldn't be bad?

She's cool and I've known her for over 10 years. We've traveled together and spent time alone together. We get along great and most of those 10 years were mainly as only friends. See each other once, twice a year at the most when I go to Japan to visit her and other friends I have there.

We've both had relationships in the interim, but we also shag when we're single. Sorta "just happens".

She'd probably make a good wife. She's tall (for a Japanese), trim and still looking pretty at 42 years of age. Japanese gals keep their youth for a long time. Healthy and will help keep me healthy with all that Japanese cookin'. She's fashionable and feminine and I really love that.

Single Mom, but kid is in last year of high school and will go on to college in Tokyo. He would stay, she would come to LA. She's lived in the states as a student and knows what she's getting into. We have some stuff in common, but mainly we just get along great.

A couple of things kinda trouble me. Although we know each other pretty well, we've never had a real relationship per se. We've never lived with each other or been together continuously longer than, say, a week. I know her, but not like you'd know a girlfriend you saw every day for say, 6 months.

Big potential problem. We haven't had a bunch of sack time together and in the past, she's been rather unexciting in that department.

Coincidentally, I received an email from my fave old girlfriend tonight (happily married now). This good ol' American gal gave it to me with more passion than any other lady I've ever been with, including any vixen I happened upon in LOS.

Hearing from my fave-ex reminded me of how important that part of a relationship is.

I am going to have to bring this up with her. Could be a deal breaker. Or do you think she could be "trained".

Cheers Fellows,

NN

[marc26]

NN,

obviously, if you are already having 2nd thoughts, then you are not ready or shes not the one. I feeel at your age (late 30's, early 40's ?) you will know it full well if you want it


Big potential problem. We haven't had a bunch of sack time together and in the past, she's been rather unexciting in that department.

1st time i have ever heard a japanese girl wasnt wild. those girls are kinky fcuckers!

[Nanook]

Hi NN,
Reading your post, you really have a lot of second thought about to marry your Japanese GF. Usually you best idea is your first one. In this case I am not so sure if you're ready for this wedding. It seems your GF and you have more a friend-friend realation than GF-BF.
You could maybe start with a LAT (living apart together) relation, so you can find out if she will be really your plate of teppanyaki...

I am sure then you will take the right decision. Success!

[Dodger]

Nids good to hear from you and with such a simple question, answer - NO you shouldn't marry her.

You did not mention once in all of your post that you loved her??? so forget it, maybe give it a trial run for a few weeks then try living together first, no way move straight to marriage.

Thought I'd give you my opinion, hope it wasn't to subtle for ya!!!, when you next back????, reckon sounds like it should be soon!!!

[hornypirate]

I am getting ready to divorce my Japanese wife and my friend gave his Japanese wife divorce papers two days ago one other friend is sticking it out with his Japanese ball and chain but not at all happy about it. In fact I do not know anyone who is happily married (long term) with a Japanese wife.
We all live in Hawaii which is the most Japanese place in the US. And there for the most seemingly comfortable place for them.
Don't forget Japanese are the masters of deception. Don't let her pull a Pearl Harbor on you. The Japanese culture is based on shame and because of this Japanese people show the world what they thing it wants to see and not reality.
One more thing the old saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is true. If I had to do it again I would marry a under 22 y/o Japanese girl.
To any Japanese BM's who take offence to this post sorry but that is how I see it. Feel free to post rebuttals.

FINAL WORD: DON'T DO IT!

Aloha Andrew

[visa2003]

As a confirmed bachelor myself, I would also say that if you have to think about it, then don't do it!!!
This is one decision that will affect you for a very long time (whichever way it goes) and you had better be very sure of what you are doing!!!
Visiting someone for a week or so at a time is vastly different to living with them full time!!!
Good luck on whatever you decide!!

[DaveRetiring]

Originally Posted by Nid Noy

Could be a deal breaker. Or do you think she could be "trained".

Hey NN,

A few points from a 4-times traveler on that dusty road to Matrimony.

1: Asking here suggests to me you are looking for a support answer of "no" and IMHO that should be a "no."

2: The enjoyable horizontal tango is about 50+% of a successful relationship whether it be marriage or living together.

3: You have savored the exotic fruit at it's best with the ex by the sounds, so a mediocre involvement or worse, tolerance of the act by the new girl will leave you wanting quickly. (marriage #3, lovely girl, still great friends, but once a week got old fast!)

4: NO they cannot be trained. Voluntary and enthusiastic Female sexuality from a 63 year old man's perspective, who has f...ed just slightly less than IJ's impressive total, (pro-rated for age of course ) the enthusiasm is built into the woman's psyche before Birth.

5: Say after me... "NO" "NO" "NO"

Dave

[Nid Noy]

Hello Gang,
Thanks for all your replies.

Originally Posted by hornypirate

I am getting ready to divorce my Japanese wife and my friend gave his Japanese wife divorce papers two days ago one other friend is sticking it out with his Japanese ball and chain but not at all happy about it. In fact I do not know anyone who is happily married (long term) with a Japanese wife.

Whoa. What's up with that?

We all live in Hawaii which is the most Japanese place in the US. And there for the most seemingly comfortable place for them.

Do you mean they're homesick all the time? This one's lived in San Francisco for a year when she was 22. But that was a long time ago.

While I have an inkling as to why, do all of your friends have the same problems?

What is it?
Hobbies include sleeping and shopping?
No sexual activity?
Too Controlling?

Originally Posted by Dodger

Nids good to hear from you and with such a simple question, answer - NO you shouldn't marry her.

My mom says I should. But you know moms. Most everyone else in the family is skeptical.

You did not mention once in all of your post that you loved her???

Ouch. How true. I do love her, but currently, not in that way.

So forget it, maybe give it a trial run for a few weeks then try living together first, no way move straight to marriage.

That's rather how I feel Dodge. I need a little to go on. Now, I really don't know what I'm getting myself into. Perhaps I should forget it.

Originally Posted by visa2003

Visiting someone for a week or so at a time is vastly different to living with them full time!!!

That's what troubles me most, my man. I feel like I'm flyin' blind.

One more thing the old saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is true.

I guess you gotta find one that has good tricks to begin with.

Don't forget Japanese are the masters of deception. Don't let her pull a Pearl Harbor on you.

There have been four or five times that she was not honest with me–one time, it was pretty bad and another was just bizarre. I guess I can't hope that will get any better either.

Originally Posted by DaveRetiring

Asking here suggests to me you are looking for a support answer of "no" and IMHO that should be a "no."

Good point.

The enjoyable horizontal tango is about 50+% of a successful relationship whether it be marriage or living together.

That much, ya think? Not the king of long love relationships here.

You have savored the exotic fruit at it's best with the ex by the sounds, so a mediocre involvement or worse, tolerance of the act by the new girl will leave you wanting quickly. (marriage #3, lovely girl, still great friends, but once a week got old fast!)

Once a week would not be enough for me. That would drive me crazy too.

4: Enthusiasm is built into the woman's psyche before Birth.

Hmmm. I'll buy that!

5: Say after me... "NO" "NO" "NO"

Suspected you'd say that.

Originally Posted by marc26

obviously, if you are already having 2nd thoughts, then you are not ready or shes not the one. I feeel at your age (late 30's, early 40's ?) you will know it full well if you want it.

44. And I think I'm ready, but she's not the one. That's just it dude. She's not the one. And if I pass this one up, I think I will have other opportunities. If not, I like spending time with myself and don't mind being single. But one of the reasons I'd get married is to have a partner that I could enjoy a good sexual relationship with, as well as a great friendship.

Originally Posted by Dodger

Thought I'd give you my opinion, hope it wasn't to subtle for ya!!!, when you next back????, reckon sounds like it should be soon!!!

No, I needed a swift kick Dodge. My X-girlfriend's email was timely too. I need someone that's as much as a nympho as she was to ever satisfy me in a marriage.

Think I should come over sooner than later. (Hey Paul, I don't think I'm ready either!)

Really want to come to meet my TG lady doc friend. She invited me to come with her sister and her to go diving in Krabi. If I deprive myself of this little adventure, I'd never forgive myself.

FINAL WORD: DON'T DO IT!

How did I know you were gonna say that? How the hell am I gonna get outta this one fellas?

I guess it starts with a phone call and ends with some tears. Crap. Maybe this situation can be salvaged so it's still "all good"–IOW just the way it was before. "Vacation Friends With Benefits".

[MrDK]

Originally Posted by Nid Noy

Maybe it wouldn't be bad?

It has to feel good, "not bad" doesn't cut it IMO.

[Nid Noy]

Originally Posted by MrDK

It has to feel good, "not bad" doesn't cut it IMO.

Thanks MrDK. Excellent point.

I'm going to talk to her on the phone this weekend to talk it over with her. I do have serious reservations, so I think I'm pretty much in the zone. I'm glad I posted here though, as I think I'm more honest with myself regarding this whole situation.

Wrong girl. Wrong time. (Repeat)



"It's Your LIFE Sentence!" – Jello Biafra, The Dead Kennedys

[hornypirate]

NN, Get out, easy as can be just send her a copy of this thread.

Aloha Andrew

[DaveRetiring]

Originally Posted by Nid Noy

"
2: The enjoyable horizontal tango is about 50+% of a successful relationship whether it be marriage or living together."

That much, ya think? Not the king of long love relationships here.

Ha, that made me laugh out loud, but I am a pragmatist and realist. After about 9 or 10 years with the same woman, I get the wandering spirit. Not for cheating IN the marriage, just want to get the hell out of the situation, go live somewhere else, meet new people make new friends.

You are right, you probably should NOT listen to me too much. LOL.

Originally Posted by Nid Noy

I guess it starts with a phone call and ends with some tears. Crap. Maybe this situation can be salvaged so it's still "all good"–IOW just the way it was before. "Vacation Friends With Benefits".

Well, in this situation, I'd opt for a clean break. Less ambiguous and less chance of a return bout of "why not get married..."

[Pinot]

The problem is all inside your head:

You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

[Nid Noy]

Originally Posted by DaveRetiring

Well, in this situation, I'd opt for a clean break. Less ambiguous and less chance of a return bout of "why not get married..."

No Dave, I'm gonna take 'er on one more round. You know, like on a cheap package to Cabo. Have her do everything my Thai girlfriends do for a full week. We do not leave the hotel room, just get room service. I did mention she's still quite "doable" didn't I?

Just_Ruin_Her.....

At the end of the vacation, I zip up my pants and walk out forever.



"Honey, I'm sorry it did not work out. We are incompatible in the sex department."

[Nid Noy]

Originally Posted by DaveRetiring

Well, in this situation, I'd opt for a clean break. Less ambiguous and less chance of a return bout of "why not get married..."

OK, here's what went down.

The phone call was made with the full intention of ratcheting down this whole marriage business and in no time, we're sweet talking each other.

Not only that, but she's being incredibly honest, and remorseful for her past misgivings. We also get honest about our potential life together including our love life and all that. She's cool with trying stuff I told her "American girls do" (nothing too crazy here gang, she's very inexperienced for her age–she says she has had terrible lovers). She was totally cool with that and we worked it out to my satisfaction. She's very convincing and her English is holding up well.

I was getting snowed, of course. We've been over this ground before. Of course, I fell for it. Already I'm making concessions and inviting her to come to LA during Golden Week (a week long holiday in Japan–takes place in 2 months from now). Hey, she wants to knock boots. Why not? I'm seeing it as pretty innocent, she's seeing a way to hook me with the hairy necklace.



Next day, I email her recapping a couple of important issues over the phone:

1) The central focus of the email:
We are not getting married anytime soon, as I have trust and honesty issues. We can work on that if we both get counseling. But only after that.

2) As an aside:
I'm glad we worked out issues related to our sex life. And, "won't it be great to try it out during Golden Week, honey?"

THEN I GET THE SCATHING RESPONSE:

"I was DISGUSTED by your last email!"

She goes on some tirade about how I'm obsessed with sex and how she could never be someone's "sex machine woman" and questions like "do I want to get married just for sex?" Just a super trumped up freak out. She didn't even mention the honesty or trust issues or how we can solve them through counseling or whatever.

She said that we had already frankly talked about our future sex life and by my recapping it and saying, "Yeah! That's great we made some progress!", in the email, she thought I was unnecessarily going over the same ground. She thought that by bringing up our sex life (once more) was in very bad taste and apparently, that hurt her feelings. She was mad that I didn't bring up issues like: "Where do we go on vacation?" or "What do we do on Sundays?".

I wrote her back and said, "Hey, I think you are completely misunderstanding the intention of the email and are also making a big deal out of nothing. Also, that email is not the best medium when you are talking about personal things. But, hey, if you're mad, tell me now as to whether you are coming to visit or not."

Welp. I do not think she's bought the plane ticket. I got one final email that said:

"I need to re-evaluate our relationship. Please do not contact me."

I doubt that she's pulled out the samurai blade to end this miserable relationship (I wish she would!) I think she's gearing up for one more round of games with me. The MOAB of rejections, which, of course she will want me to come crawling back to her once more.

No way this time, fellas. This miscommunication has nothing to do with the fact that she is Japanese. This woman has deep psychological issues. She needs some serious therapy if she is ever to find happiness in her own life. I'm glad I finally figured this all out.

It's possible that I will never hear from her again. That might suit her as she would be leaving me twisting in the wind FOREVER. I think that's how she would like to end it with me. She likes to see me suffer. This time is different. Let her think what she wants, I am relieved!

If I do get an email from her, I will press the Delete Key. I think it will be difficult to do without saying: thanks for the memories, get help with your issues, good luck and good bye. I might still do that, I'm not sure. I do feel some responsibility for helping her out and going out with a white hat on.

Thanks for all your support fellows. I suppose the final chapter is not totally closed, but once the email is not responded to, I am sure she will get the message and I'll never hear from her again.

Time to burn a very large stack of letters.

[Bsmoov]

Nid Noy,

Sounds like you dodged the bullet with this one my man. Rejoice.

[Nid Noy]

Originally Posted by Bsmoov

Nid Noy,

Sounds like you dodged the bullet with this one my man. Rejoice.

Thanks my man. Should've ended this one years ago. I should probably book my ticket to LOS before it gets too hot.