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#1
11-05-2007, 07:36
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Trip report - part 1
Well I'm back in uk now and already bored of the cold rain, expensive beer and fat women.
Time for a trip report to cheer me up! Part One. Day 1 Started off badly as my travelling companion, the northern exile, had got his misses pregnant and she was having 'complications'. For god sake how hard can it be to be pregnant? Anyway, the northern one had to pull out of the trip which was a massive dissapointment; if only he'd pulled out 4 months earlier he wouldn't be in this mess. Luckily for me younger bro, Scrappy Doo, was still coming and he didn't have any pregnant 'b!tches' to get back to so we were in business. Flight to Suvarnabumi with BA was smooth and utterly painless. Scrappy was looking confused and a bit lost after the flight, this is normal for him something to do with his bad eyesight and his lack of sense of direction I think. Got to the immigration desk in the airport, no worries for me. Turned to see where Scrappy was and he'd been pulled up by the Thai immigration guy because he'd only filled out the departure side of his tourist visa form. Twat. 11 hours on a plane to read one form and he still got it wrong! Once in LOS scrappy paid 2,500 baht for a taxi down to Hua Hin so we could take care of some family business. Was promised a limosine by the staff in the airport yet found myself climbing into the back of a 15 year old Volvo 740 outside arrivals, the seats were so shinny i slid over them like a greeced piglet but felt reasured that I was riding in the best sweeden could offer. The taxi driver who I shall refer to from now on as 'The Bandit' drove like a F1 test driver for nearly three hours using all three lanes of the express way to make progress, even the hard shoulder was showed no respect if it meant we could be 10 metres further up the road. I had to admire his skill as he did all this whilst flashing the headlights, sounding the horn and speaking to his wife on the mobile phone. After three hours of the bandits hard driving we arrived in Hua Hin. Checked in the Tanawit hotel and straight out into town. Found a nice bar and drank sh!t loads of beer and played pool with scrappy and some BG's. We all started drinking cocktails and it decended into chaos... Day 2 After taking care of some family business we tried to check of the hotel but were stopped in recpetion by the millitant looking staff. There were no smiles on their faces as they broke the news us... a towel had gone missing from scrappy's room which couldn't be accounted for; scrappy looked paniced and confused like a rabbit caught between the headlights of a car and I thought maybe his eyesight had let him down again. He frantically searched his suitcase but couldn't find the missing towl, we were theatened with a 500 baht bill and a public flogging if the towl wasn't found. I sent scrappy back to his room to check but after 10 minutes he returned empty handed, we couldn't explain what had happened to the towl. I told the staff that the towl cleaning fairies might have taken it but they either couldn't understand me or chose not to. Either way it was a crap hotel for the money and I wouldn't recommend staying there. Got another taxi back up to Bangkok's Don Muang airport to catch our 'One Two Go' flight to Phuket. This time I picked a Taxi Meter for the journey hoping the driver might not have a death wish, I was wrong and I shall refer to this taxi driver from now on as 'The Bandit's brother'. The bandits brother weaved and sweared across the road like a true nutter and I decided it would be better that I was asleep when I die so closed my eyes and hoped for the best. Got stuck in a massive traffic jam in Bangkok and was very late for flight, luckily for us 'One Two Go' should be renamed "One Two 'Not' Go" as flight was late to depart. I asked at check-in why the flight was late and was told by a very pretty Thai girl "No steps." What do you mean no steps I said. "No steps, can't get off" she replied. Get off from where I was thinking but couldn't figure out what she was on about, went to the departure gate and noticed scrappy was still looking a bit lost. At the gate all became clear, no steps could be found to off-load the incoming flight hence the delay which worked in our favour, thank you 'One Two 'Not' Go'! On board the plane was a wreck, an old McDonald Douglas which was in desparate need of a re-fit and a new carpet. I only paid £27.50 for the flight so guess I shouldn't complain. Once in the air I was served with an inflight snack of a packet of peanuts. Smashing. These peanuts were inside a highly inflated sealed foil bag which I just couldn't open, I handed the bag to scrappy to see if he could open it but he couldn't find his glasses and handed tham back to me. I decided to open the packet Thai bar girl style, you know the same way they open those cold hand towels when you arrive at their bar. So holding the packet in the palm of my left hand I karate chopped the lower part of the bag with my right hand and... boom! The packet ripped open and the contents of my in-flight snack flew about the cabin at such speed and velocity I'm supprised it didn't penetrate the fusilage and cause a sudden de-compression! Got some stern looks from the other passengers and cabin crew so sunk into my seat and kept quite until we arrived in Phuket. Phuket God it's nice to back! Taxi driver was much better than those crazy Bangkok guys and he took his time on the journey from the airport to Patong. Every mile I got more excited and was looking forward to a night on Bangla, even scrappy was looking laid back and had managed to find his glasses. Checked into Summer Breeze and staright out into Soi Eric and MTB. Met Nicke and Major Tom and had a couple of rounds of Black death and fisherman friends washed down with Singha. Great. I now felt I was back in LOS!! More to follow... 
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#5
11-05-2007, 08:38
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Good larf there Scooby...finally a well written humurous TR........lookin fwd to the next instalment.
__________________
New HHplc Product Coming Soon...Watch This Space 
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#9
11-05-2007, 11:38
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Quote:
Good report. Read once that some guy in patts refused to pay for a missing towel. Was charged with theft and then deported. Guess thais are very serious about towels. Just like paper napkins, but there is a surplus in straws apparently. I'm still planning to park in front of 7 and drink a one Liter bottle of milk with the straw they just gave me.
__________________
Women with a past and men without a future grope and shuffle on the dance floor.
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#13
11-05-2007, 13:08
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Great TR so far Scooby
 like K2 i had a good laugh to start my day - keep em coming!
__________________
Money can't buy love; but it can rent a very close imitation...
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#14
11-05-2007, 16:26
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Simon we did meet last year, and we had a good couple of nights. Scooby wherers the hot action, I expect you rescued a few young ladies from the clutches of some horrid letches. Being the gentleman you are!
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#15
11-05-2007, 16:45
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Nice Report Mate.........
Im Looking Foward To The Ret Of It.....i Hope You Called To See Our Friends In Soi Croc........ Ij
__________________
ROLL ON OCTOBER........
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#17
11-05-2007, 19:21
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Quote:
The nightlife seemed quite limited with only a handfull of bars and one decent nightclub (Hilton). I may have been in the wrong part of town but it seemed fairly quiet and low key. Nice though, very relaxed. Only saw one BG that I would have taken home. 
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#18
11-05-2007, 22:26
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Quote:
I SUPPOSE THE BEST THING TO DO IS BRING A LADY WITH YOU WHEN YOU VISIT HH......... THATS WHAT I WOULD DO !!!!!!! IJ
__________________
ROLL ON OCTOBER........
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#20
11-05-2007, 23:10
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Great reading Scooby Doo
Good entertaining reading in the TR.Liked the Bandit bit - where was Smokey?
__________________
 If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined up!!! 
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#22
12-05-2007, 00:33
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Could have something to do with Scooby only having 19 posts. Probably not in level 2 yet.
After I got bumped up, my trip report was moved two days later.
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#23
12-05-2007, 00:51
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Looks like You were off to a decent start....can't wait for the following days....
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#24
13-05-2007, 20:39
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Trying to save for a return visit in six months or so. The flight prices seem to be much more expensive this year around £500 for a flight with one of the middle eastern airlines and over £600 for a direct flight with a decent airline, real kick in the teeth.
Anyway here's part two. Hopefully I have enough posts now to move into the memebrs section. Day 3 Woke up this morning with a hang over and stubled into the bathroom all bleary eyed. Knew I was in a bad way when I splashed mouth wash on my face thinking it was my aftershave. Said goodbye to my companion from the night before and sent her off trotting down the corridor making a 'clack, clack, clack' sound in her heels. Met Scrappy in the bar downstairs who looked worse than me and asked why I smelt of Listerine. Went across the road to the Yorkshire Inn for breakfast and had a full English which hit the spot and I started to feel human again, still had a minty fresh smell about me though. Next around to the Ex-Pat to register for the Hash run, found Simbo and paid up the entrance fee feeling a little unsure and apprehensive about what exactly was going to happen as this my first run. Scrappy was along for ride too and was also a Hash virgin. Onto the bus and 45 minutes later we arrived in the middle of nowhere and looked like a scene from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. A load of other people turned up in various forms of attire, some drinking beer. Great I thought it can't be that hard if people are drinking beer. As the run started we headed off into the jungle and were running at a steady pace, the first part of the run was like a Monty Python sketch with those runners who'd been on the beers before hand stopping frequently to releave themselves in the bushes. Despite Scrappy's poor eyesight and sense of direction he's quite a fit a lad and soon left me behind, I wasn't worried though as he'd soon get lost or trip over something giving me a chance to catch up. After 20 minutes I was sweating like a Nun in a brothel and had managed to catch up with Scrappy who was picking himself up from the floor after a fall. Completed the remainder of the run together, my guess about 6 miles in total. It was hard work and ended with a river crossing, at first I thought someone was taking the piss as I was one of the new guys but no, the trail did indeed go through the river. With mobile phone held high above my head I waded through cursing that I was wearing my new Nike Air trainers. At least it got rid of the smell of Listerine! Many beers later and we caught the bus back to Patong and carried on the drinking into the evening, spent about an hour or so in MTB playing Connect 4before heading off around the Soi's on Bangla to look for take out. Day 4 Decided to head down to Karon Beach today to find some big waves. Had the bright idea of hiring a couple of motorbikes forgetting that Scrappy had never ridden a motorbike in his life. Breifly thought about letting him get on the back of mine but decided it would be much more fun to watch him try and ride one on his own. I gave him a brief overview of the controls and told him to remeber to put the side stand up before setting off, which he didn't. Off he wobbled down the road side stand down looking terrified. I caught up with him, pulled him over and got him to put the stand up before it had him off. Decided it was probably better he was in front that way if he had any braking issues he wasn't going to crash into me. He looked like a fish out water on the bike and wouldn't go above 15 kmh. A 10 year old local boy on his pedal cycle went past laughing and pointing so I decided to take the lead increase the pace. Spent a couple of hours on Karon Beach doing some body boarding, the waves were very big 10-12 feet high I reckon. Fell off the top of a wave on the body board and came crashing down hurting my back so called it quits and sat on a sun lounger watching a couple of very attractive western girls with great tans playing paddle ball. To my amazement after 10 minutes they took off their bikini tops and went in for a quick swim! They came back out and just stood on the sand 15 metres in front of me talking, they were then joined by a third girl also topless! Descreatly placing a towel on my lap I carried on watching hoping they would start kissing and rubbing sun tan lotion all over each other. Kicked myself for bringing the camera! After another slow journey on the bikes back to Patong I decided to go fo a massage (proper one) and left scrappy trying to park his bike. My legs were stiff and aching like mad from the Hash run the day before and I wanted a Thai massage to sort them out. I walked past Kristins and threw a right down one of the Soi's. A cute girl came up to me a tried dragging me into her parlour, great I thought this will do. I said to her "I need a massage." "Good I can do, 250 baht" she replies. All going well. "I'm very stiff and need nice massage" I inncocently say. "I can do also, you think I'm pretty?" she replies with a smile on her face. Realiseing what I'd just said I tried to correct myself "No, I'm not stiff like that... although you are very pretty my legs are stiff and I just need a massage to make me feel better." She didn't understand "Yes I make you feel better I promise, not stiff after I can take care." She was very enthusiastic so I just gave up and went inside, I did manage to get a Thai massage in the end which sorted me out a treat. Went out around Bangla in the evening and repeated the previous nights proceeding... beer, black death, looking at women, beer, connect 4... etc. Went to the Pizza place at the top end of Bangla at about 2 o'clock for scooby snacks and then into Taipan for late night drinking a women. Things got a bit hazy from here on in... managed to get back to hotel about 4 o'clock with a friend and was asleep by ten past! The late nights were catching up on me...
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