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#1
13-12-2007, 00:56
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drawing the line?
for guys who are married
how do you draw the line with the family support? i am not asking this question because i have a problem personally, just wondering. ideally, your wife will work and make her own money my gf's little sister wants to go work in the bar. she works in a factory now. i woudlnt want to see that but i am also not going to add her to the payroll or a situation where her niece probably wont go to a good high school. i would want to pay for that. but it does seem like things will always pop up just wondering 
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#2
13-12-2007, 01:28
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Good question and the line should be very clear IMO. For us it goes as far as closest family. Dad and one sister taking care of all and the kids in the house back home. The key here is once it's understood that money doesn't grow on trees here either and you have to support your own life and family, hopefully your girl will be with you on that line. There have been a couple of requests which we have passed on and declined along the way, mainly to set a benchmark. Having said that, I only can speak of my short experience, there might be a 1001 other circumstances for everyone else of cause.
__________________
 ...life's good 
Last edited by ub2yoo : 13-12-2007 at 01:30.
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#3
13-12-2007, 02:35
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Your girlfriend should heavily filter this stuff. Ignore her/requests if she isn't.
If she tells you about the requests she blocked, make a big deal thanking her. Don't get involved or even take an interest in every little issue, there will be an endless supply. If there is a story where it seems like it is leading to an impasse where only your farang wealth could get things rolling again...act disinterested in the story. Don't offer or suggest anything. Don't let them just dump problems on you. Build a plan in advance of what contributions you are willing to make. Stick to it and make it clear you are sticking to it. Then when the unforeseeable complications come up that suddenly require more cash, stick to your original plan and let them deal with what is available. Help those that help themselves against a rigid set of criteria. For example there is one relative that I like and is doing ok in school but could do better. No one encouraging the relative to get better grades. So I've set a reward against an attainable academic performance level. I know my small investment over the next few years will eventually translate in multiples higher employment income. Bonus upside it all shows you are generous, but in a way that suits you and in ways that are not too easy for the receiver. Basically in the thai mindset you get face and power. My 2 satang.
__________________
Women with a past and men without a future grope and shuffle on the dance floor.
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#4
13-12-2007, 04:17
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I pay everything regarding the household, Ead have her own salary from the bar which she give to her parents. I dont take any other responsibles regarding her family.
I have to survive too, I will never use my survival/investment money to cover for extra expenses, as I need to survive too.
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#5
13-12-2007, 10:11
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Problem as I see it will be the family emergencies like sudden medical hospital bills etc..
Other than genuine emergencies like that I would try to set a small income up for the GF and let her know thats hers, then she can give it away as she sees fit, that way shes worked for it and knows its value. Tho saying that above, I dont do any of it.. No family as such to worry about currently. If I did I think I would be much more accommodating / pragmatic about it now I have been here a while, as it is I/we support my mother in the west (cost me almost as much as supporting myself) so why would I be so against assisting a significant others folks.
__________________
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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#6
13-12-2007, 10:39
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well, thats why i am setting some things up for her to earn her own money. its not the monetary vlaue, just i want her to feel good about it and, to be honest, i dont want to be involved i figured without her working while visiting id give her 1000cad/mo with that, she can send what she feels to her mom without involving me and then have money in her pocket without having to asking me the 2 scenarios that i mentioned: her sister going to work in the bar and her niece maybe not going to either a good high school or no high school at all are not things that have been asked of me, just things that weigh on my mind and wouldnt be comfortable knowing those situations and not helping
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#7
13-12-2007, 11:05
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Jeez man.. 1000 CAD to not work !!!
__________________
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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#8
13-12-2007, 11:22
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__________________
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#9
13-12-2007, 11:25
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I discussed my thoughts and feelings on this subject a lot when we first got together. My gf is somewhat of the newer generation of thai I think that is a little more practical over this subject, but it helped us develope an understanding of what I would help with and what I didn't like.
She acts as my filter, I used to want to know every request that she was asked, but as at one time it became almost daily, decided it would just make me mad so stopped wanting to know. I now know if she comes to me with a family problem then it is important to her and not so much a scam or whatever. Recent request was for 5k for her brother to assist him by buying a sidecar for his motorbike so he could carry more food on his rounds, thereby earn more money. She insisted to her brother it was a loan and had to be repaid within 6 weeks. I lent the money as could see a good reason and he paid it back on time, interestingly for selling isaan food stuffs up in the village and surrounds, he makes really good money, average 2k turnover per day, which I found really suprising (especially as before working the family farm he was lucky to get 6k a month). Borrowing sometimes without thought of repayment seems very common here, amongst friends as well as family. I've been asked now on 4 or 5 occasions and to date have always been paid back, sometimes passed the expected date but always paid back. Not sure if this has set a prescedent or they just see me as Farang Kheeneow!!!.
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If I havn't done it already, then i'm gunna do it today. Last edited by Dodger : 13-12-2007 at 12:20. Reason: Bet K2 posts next !!!
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#10
13-12-2007, 11:50
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Never lend in the super sub-prime market!
I guess unusually K1 herself does not like her family asking her for money - so never have had to deal with sick buffalo requests.
__________________
Its My Life ..........!
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#11
13-12-2007, 20:56
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335cad of that(10k baht) will be sent home to mom since she is taking a leave of absence from her job to look after the son. so about 6k for her and the son and 4k for the room so 665cad for her to have in her pocket, buy her thai food, and generally not ask me for too much money day-to-day doesnt seem so much for me
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#12
15-12-2007, 16:07
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Both Bus and I both work ,ok she works part time but is very proud of what she earns and knows all to well that money does not grow on trees in the UK and we have to pay high tax`s .
Now i pay for every thing to do with the house leaving Bus to keep her money to do with as she sees fit.As far as i know she saves as much as she can, buys things for around the house and for this and that and sends some back when one of the girls here goes back for a holiday. Now we have been married now for nearly two years and the other night for the very First time her family (namely her mother)asked for money,what surprised me was that Bus said "no" ,so i asked her why and it turns out it was for her sister who has over spent on keeping face,and will not stop spending as she wants to keep face for some reason. On a whole though i tend to try and keep out of her family affairs as i have enough with my own family. One other thing i have often thought about buying a house and pick up truck in LOS as a holiday home type thing,But once again the good lady wife said NO to me ,with the reason being that as we can not live there yet it would be very hard to keep an eye on it all and to make sure that family lodgers dont move .One of the wifesfriends has a a house and car over there brought and paid for here.A couple of weeks ago she had a phone call saying her brother had borrowed the pick up truck with out her permision (i thinks it been happening alot but hey ho)and had crashed it ,leaving her with the repair bill.This often repeted to me by the wife every time i look at trucks out there.
__________________
Coffee for one sir ? The joys of sponsorship 
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#13
15-12-2007, 17:21
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My gf's parents have a small farm in Roiet and are more or less living from that.
When my gf was working in the factory in BKK she sent 3k home to her parents. So when it started to get serious between us I said I was willing to send her family 4k monthly and they all seem to be more than happy with that. When we took my gf's little sister down to Phuket for a few weeks last school-holiday, her parents called and said we didnt have to send money that month  (all numbers in THB of cause)My gf dont have a salary from the bar, but when we go shopping once or twice a week she of cause always gets what she needs to have a normal life..... We get phone-calls from some lazy familymembers or friends asking to borrow money now and then, but she always turns them down..........So far all good  Geir
__________________
Don't know where, don't know when, but Hells Bells will reopen in a new location 
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#14
15-12-2007, 17:21
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When I was up north with the XGF, it seemed comon that the house and pickup being used by family members. All was cleaned and tidy up before the Farang arrival. Once I meet a Thai couple with nice brand new Hi-Lux 4x4 which was paid by an Italian. The TG was married to the Italian, but while he is away the Thai Boyfriend moves in and uses the House, Truck and anything else he has purchased for the Thai home. I was asked many times about buying things, but unless I was planning to live in Thailand, no chance.
__________________
Bar Girls are like the Borg...Resistance is futile. 
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#15
15-12-2007, 17:36
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Strange how many farangs dont see the warning-signs........just had a chat with an English guy that let his gf's brother move inn with them......1 month later he found out it was his gf's thai-husband  Also when some farang finaly are coming back for a holiday, the thai gf say, "Im busy in my village, but I catch up with you in a week"  She love the car and the house he bought, but cant find time to see him when he finaly arrive.....Nice stories, first I hated them, now I love them
__________________
Don't know where, don't know when, but Hells Bells will reopen in a new location
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#16
15-12-2007, 18:21
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My wife has always filtered out the requests for money, uses the theory that when she had financial problems people wouldn't help her so now that we have money why are they coming bluging off her. Her brothers have borrowed small amounts of money over the years always on the proviso that if it is not given back there will never be any more, so far it has always come back. The thing is to for the wife to make sure that they realise you are not a meal ticket, that if you can afford it you don't mind helping but the money must be returned.
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#17
21-12-2007, 09:53
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I always say "you marry the girl, you marry the family" so take a close look and be prepared to move on. One mate met and later married a bar girl and anyone could see the family were bad news by the number of times a day her mobile would ring whilst she was still working in Phuket. All the sob stories and hardluck bs that has now followed them back to farangland will be the death of their marriage (that is my prediction) - he says the in-laws are a nightmare and if he never sees them again that will suit him just fine - I can't see how that will be unless he never visits the house he has paid for and built on their farm in Nakon Nowhere. My wife just says "Som num na" (serves him right) "what did he expect? They are peasants, not educated, that is the way they are. They not change." __________________ "Heaven holds a sense of wonder...and I wanted to believe..."
__________________
"Heaven holds a sense of wonder...and I wanted to believe..."
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#18
21-12-2007, 09:57
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kind of a conceited and snotty outlook by your wife
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#19
21-12-2007, 11:21
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True emergencies happen - and we'll help out - hospital bills have been the most common - somebody about once each year - I guess the line would be drawn or questions asked if the "extra" support got over, say, 30 k a year. We still give the family approximately the same financial support that the wife did when she was working in a factory's office for under 15,000 baht a month. I recently offered more but it was declined...the darkest motive I could put on my in-laws is that they are smart enough not to kill the golden goose...and then I think I'd be being unfair...they are just decent people who need help to survive in that society. I am happy to be the "interest free" loan to the sister or brother provided it is paid back. The brother in law borrowed 30,000 baht to convert the car from petrol to gas and paid us back with the savings. The sister is doing her best to get pay off our loan that cleared her credit card bill. When they don't pay it back they won't see another baht of my money and they know it. As to the culture of borrowing with apparently no intent to repay - the wife is still owed money by fellow workers, her friends of 10 years, who still give her BS stories and no repayments three years after she quit working there. Enjoy.
__________________
"Heaven holds a sense of wonder...and I wanted to believe..."
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#20
21-12-2007, 11:51
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I'll admit my own first reaction was along the "Way harsh!" line....but I think you ignore someone's assessment of their fellow countrymen at your peril...do I know Thais better than a Thai does, I doubt it...so now I think she was just stating the facts - they have not changed and they won't change and if you marry into that family you had better know what to expect and how to deal with it....or "Som num na".
__________________
"Heaven holds a sense of wonder...and I wanted to believe..."
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#21
21-12-2007, 12:39
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This thread is just bursting with the wisdom of experience.
Its nice to see there is a balance of good and bad. many thanks for the contributions. I might just look after mum in law only.
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