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#1
19-04-2008, 03:34
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Tough one to deal with
Hi, hope you are all well. I've come up with an unexpected situation. Some(expat) bar owners i've come across have been alcoholics in some shape or form but i'm certainly not going to generalise after my last loose post. Anyway i've been going to thailand for many years and met many expats one of which was probably blatently an alcoholic but being english you can choose to ignore some things and just look at the good things. Well he comes from where i live and we had had a good bond and jokey time whether i'm over there or not, when he comes here we always have a drink and i could never say please cut down. He has a wonderful personality and was pretty active for his old age, however on his last few check ups, weeks apart as he refused to believe it, he will be lucky to live 6 months. to be honest he has done well to get this far the human body must be able to take a real good bashing. I'm not sure what approach i should take here as i'm meeting him tomorrow and he doesn't know i know his situation. What would you do? shit thing is i'm over there next week so will be with his wife after i see him tomorrow before he is there and really do not want to say he is still drinking, but i guess she will know anyway? I just want to get excited as ever going on holiday but this is over my head now.
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#2
19-04-2008, 03:45
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That’s a tough one. If he doesn’t know you know I would let him initiate the bad news. In the meantime cherish the time you have together. If the wife asks you about his drinking I would respectfully decline to answer.
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i'm lost my mobile, lady boy take my mobile. i can't connect u
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#3
19-04-2008, 03:47
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Why worry about something that's not your business? Maybe the guy knows he is drinking himself to death and is perfectly happy with that? We all have to go one way or another, ripped to the tits on Chang in Thailand sounds like it has some positives.
Would you prefer he spent the next 20 years sitting in a bath chair in a nursing home having his nappy changed twice a day and dribbling soup into his lap at dinner time? I'm not being facetious here, just saying that maybe he knows.
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#4
19-04-2008, 04:13
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yeah i know what you are saying steve, but he has been with his wife for 40 years it isn't a case of what i would prefer, she would surely like him to be around for more than 6 months, whether a dribbling idiot or not, i feel for her not him
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#5
19-04-2008, 04:15
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and he certainly knows he is drinking himself to death that's what alcoholics so, very selfish people i think
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#6
19-04-2008, 04:18
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I think it's one of those situations where you have to practice "tough love" & let him live his life as he sees fit. If he wants to do something about his drinking & possibly prolong his life, help is only a phone call away (that's assuming he wants AA or other recovery group). Sending someone to AA or a recovery centre seldom works, as the individual needs to want to change for themselves. It must be their decision.
It's also possible that he's just an extremely heavy drinker rather than addicted. That's not going to be apparent until he tries to quit.
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#7
19-04-2008, 04:24
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Quote:
As I say, I'm not being facetious, but maybe a guy knows when it's checkout time and is happy with that? The problems are: 1 What's it got to do with you? 2 What's it got to do with his wife? The point I'm making is that one of the few things a person has complete control over is their own lifesapan, if he decides to drink himself to death then other people need to deal with it; he clearly has his own problems to deal with. It is difficcult, but what can you do? And if you get involved, and this guy does get an extra 6 or 12 months out of life then who benefits? Is it for him? Or are you prolonging his misery for your and his wife's benefit?
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#8
19-04-2008, 04:26
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I know hoopy, i guess i'm just looking for a sounding board.
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#9
19-04-2008, 04:27
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Yes but surely we die alone, it's not a team effort, so maybe selfishness at the end of life is normal?
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#10
19-04-2008, 04:28
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Gee, what a subject
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#11
19-04-2008, 04:30
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I feel for you as I've been in your position quite a few times. I've seen many people over here make a mission out of drinking themselves to death. There's really nothing you can do.
One guy I know had his family come over, the British embassy gave a personal visit to him in Phuket and others to try and have him stop drinking. They canceled all bank and financial accounts that they knew to try and prevent him from drinking and put him on an allowance. The problem is, it's only 160 baht to get a full bottle of Sang Som from the shops that keeps them going. I had a family member pretty much do exactly the same thing. Didn't kill himself but we had to force him out of phuket and pretty much Thailand so he could better himself by removing him from this situation. In all honesty, there really isn't much you can do. You will be the messenger and you will get shot, same as I did. But, the later person I'm speaking of is still alive nearly 2 years later and would definitely not be had I and another not done what we had done. That person has major issues with me which I can deal with as this person is not dead and now seems to be on a better line of life. Definitely worth it..... but don't expect to be friends afterwards. Good luck with your situation, I know it truly does suck. All the best!
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#12
19-04-2008, 04:32
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I'm not trying to be a smartar5e, but it's actually the disease that's selfish, rather than the person. Alcoholism is an illness recognised by the World Health Organisation
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#13
19-04-2008, 04:33
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'As I say, I'm not being facetious, but maybe a guy knows when it's checkout time and is happy with that?'
I think you are spot on and it is his time to check out but when you get married should you not respect your other half? as far as what has it got to do with me, we have been seeing each other for years, i get a close bond with people over years and helped his son out with his little business in the uk and he still buzzes i helped him out, what he doesn't realise he would have done it anyway i just helped and was there at the right time
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#14
19-04-2008, 04:40
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thanks Dingo's think you have just reaffirmed what i knew
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#15
19-04-2008, 04:42
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You should yes, but ultimately life is a selfish business. You are born alone and you die alone, I think that people staring down the barrel will be thinking of themselves and no-one else. To be honest, I don't buy the alcohol as an illness bit either. I think that people who drink know what they are doing and are not looking for a cure. The idea of it as an illness is a cop out, 'not my fault', I'm not having that.
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#16
19-04-2008, 04:44
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There are many things to digest when involved in someone having a drinking problem like this and is in a relationship.
If you think his wife doesn't know...... think again. She can see, she can smell, you also don't know if he's violent towards her or others. Many things you need to take into consideration here mate.
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#17
19-04-2008, 04:48
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I agree with you here to a point Steve. If they know and believe they have a problem drinking (and they DO know) then they can help themselves by putting themselves in an environment that makes it difficult to drink. Let everyone know (as embarrassing as it may be) that you have a drinking problem so they can support you and help you when you DO want to drink. You DO need to have a support group whether that be friends or family. I do believe once they are drinking and in the middle of it, they do change (as alcohol is a mood modifier) and they may not be able to control themselves or their actions and may not be able to stop what they are doing.
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#18
19-04-2008, 04:58
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......but, if they do know and they don't care then what can you do? And, really, if you acknowledge that they do know then it's a decision that they have made, to drink themselves to death, what does it have to do with anyone else? I take the point about alcohol being a mood modifier, so once you start it's hard to stop, but you make the decision to start drinking from an intelligent and lucid standpoint. I guess the way I'm looking at it is this; if the guy wants to drink himself to death it's his business. If he wants some help he will ask for it, and when people ask for help we should listen, but if he doesn't want any help then who are we to say what is right for other people? And, if we force our help upon them, whose benefit is that help for? theirs or ours?
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#19
19-04-2008, 05:01
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'guess the way I'm looking at it is this; if the guy wants to drink himself to death it's his business. If he wants some help he will ask for it, and when people ask for help we should listen, but if he doesn't want any help then who are we to say what is right for other people? And, if we force our help upon them, whose benefit is that help for? theirs or ours?'
ask that to the drink driver that has just run your daughter over or son, prevention is better than cure in my book whether they like it or not __________________
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#20
19-04-2008, 05:04
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totally agree. Somehow the wife always know. Had a god friend who opened up right before he"tought he went away" and he told me things that he wanted to tell his girl something after he went away(dont know what it was.). But tankfully we agreed that he told his own secrets . And thank god he survived(the doctor told him maybe blood cancer) But now it`s 6-7 years since he asked me this favor.... sad (because we dont talk anymore) Last edited by joyep : 19-04-2008 at 07:16.
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#21
19-04-2008, 05:08
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I would say that most WILL ask for help when they are lucid and yes, it's their decision to drink when they are sober etc. I think if it's one of your close friends or family, you'd be thinking a little different.... well, if you were my close mate I would hope you would! For some, life does seem to be so insignificant and worthless. But, you can get to the stage when you just can't do anything further for them and let them go on their own way!
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#22
19-04-2008, 05:08
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That's not a fair comparison at all. Prevention of self harm is tricky, and emotive, but preventing drunks from killing your children is, well really, just a silly comparison. You're not comparing like with like.
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#23
19-04-2008, 05:12
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sorry steve was a bit hot headed there
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#24
19-04-2008, 05:14
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I think that there is help for those who want it, but there are those who just want to 'go on their way' and there is nothing you can do about it.
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