Need a piece of advice

[Hep]

When I was in Patong a month ago I spent 5 days with a nice and very sweet BG - We had a really good time together and yadadada..

She lives in Khon Kaen and flew home the day after me (I had her ticket changed because she was scheduled to go home 2 days before me and that wouldn't work )

Well I gave her my email addy and we have been writing together a couple of times per week.

It has been pretty normal conversation per email so far, talking about when I would come back to see her etc etc. But today I got an email from her that leaves me puzzled to say the least.

According to her someone in her family has died. The thing is that now she is in trouble because when it comes to the cremation they divide the cost equally and she is of course short of money. I have of course read all the stories on this forum about how things with BG's normally would evolve and most would finally end up asking for money but I did not expect this.

I was kinda waiting for the "water buffalo sick" or something in that respect but would a Thai really try to get money by saying that a family member is dead and she needs money for cremation?

Have any of you guys hear about this before?

Also another question that springs to mind is how much is a cremation in Thailand actually? I mean I would think that it would be rather cheap but then again I have no way of knowing that.

I wrote her back asking how much she needs but not saying I will send it. If she asks for a load of cash and a cremation is normally 5000 bath then I would know the true nature of her.

Any advice would be appreciated.. I dont mind helping her out if she truely needs it but I dont want to be played like a fool

[aussie dollar]

after being with girl 5 days you are prepared to help pay for burial of family member.
if me would think hard about this,havent heard this one before but seems strange IMHO

[marc26]

this is my advice and whats happened to me:
treat these girls like you treat any girl around the world. what would you think of a girl that you met from wherever you are from that asked you for money after only knowing you for a short time
i basically have two steady girls in thailand, along with afew one-nighters. anyways, i know one girl for over 1 year now, about 15months. it was not until i knew her for 9 months that she asked me for money and that was 5000baht to buy uniforms for work.
the other one has never asked me for money
now dont think ive only had wonderful experiences. i satyed witha university girl for about a week in bangkok, treated her extremely well. when i got home, a week later she asked me for 15000baht. i only knew her for 3 weeks and she was already asking for money, so i never called her back.
my point is, i think of myself as a genrous guy, but you have to be smart and my opinion is that a girl that asks for money so soon does not really like you. believ me, i know many of these girls, and alot of them just friends, and most would not think of asking a guy they really liked for money that soon, they would be afraid to scare them off

[Mav]

Tell her that The National Bank of Thailand is having a special on unsecured overdrafts at the moment.

"Someone in the family has died"........maybe the family rooster ?

I would suggest you say "no"......tell her that you have had money problems of your own and cannot help at this stage. Then of course it will be interesting to see how she reacts....that will be the true test...maybe the first test of many.

[JayBee]

She may be a nice girl. she may like you a little or a lot. And maybe a member of her family member did die, and needs to be cremated.

If she had never met you, the person would get buried and cremated. If you tell her "No," the person will get buried and cremated. And if she is short her share, someone will lend it to her. The person's corpse is unlikely to rot in the street for lack of funds from you.

If the money means little to you, and you want to make an impression, fine. It's your money. But you should feel no obligation to do so. And understand, that if you do, particularly so early in a relationship, that will most likely be the first of many requests for funds. In the lives of these girls, there are always occasions arising that require "emergency" funds. That is the way they live their lives. If it is not one thing, then it is something else. Most of the time they don't have to lie about it.

Try this. Email her back. Say hello, how are you, I am fine, etc. Don't mention her request for money. See what happens. If she never writes you back, then you are better off for it. Most likely, she will write back again, not mention the cremation, and that will be the end of it, until the next "emergency" arises!

JayBee

[LivinLOS]

Well I paid (in part) for my girls mum to be cremated and also have to think that in a few date it will be the 100 day event also..

A Cremation here consists of paying the Monks (9 monks usually multiple chants per day and a main on on the cremation day) and temple costs.. The cremation costs and a 3 - 7 day piss up and food for every family member that can make it... Now each family member should donate money as they arrive and its not unusual to actually make more in donations than the costs of the event if well handled.. Of course if they think a farang is doing it no one will donate and it could come to many 10's of thousands..

If she does not assist she will lose face amoung her family for not contributing..

The thing is you only knew her a short time and also have only been talking a month.. Now its up to you.. In Thai relationships a lot of value is put on who is nam jai (water heart / generous) v Kee nieow (sticky shit / mean), if you like the girl why not offer a small amount (5k baht sounds right) and make it clear that she should not ask you for any money again for any emergency.. your not a safety net etc..

This way for the moderate price of 5k baht you 'buy' the arrangment of not being asked again or jeapordising your interest but also show your not mean and are willing to support her a little (as you would need to if a relationship forms)..

[dizbuster]

There is some good advice already on this board, but what I add is more of trying to understand why you got this request.

I used to think all instances like this were scams to get money, but having been to LOS 7 times and preferring to spend time with the same girl each time rather than butterfly, I have been noticing little things about their way of life. I am by no means claiming to be an expert, but it might help if you look at it like this...

She arrives back home and there is a dead relative. She never seems to have much money, but has enough to survive i.e. feed and clothe herself as well as pay her rent. She now needs to find some money to help with costs of the cremation and what is most prevalant in her mind ? Her new farang friend who always had money and never worried about the cost of anything. All she saw was you dishing out money as and when needed, totally alien to her style of living but not to us farangs. She wants to help out and maybe even wants to impress with a big donation (remember bar girls tend to be frowned upon in their home society) so she asks the one person who can help her with this - YOU !!

I think this is more likely to be the case and if she has been sensible, then she will not have mentioned this to anyone else and she hopes it will be a nice surprise. However these girls tend not to be able to keep a secret amongst themselves and she may have already told her family about you and that she will give a big (for her) donation, so she sends the email and does not put an amount on it hoping for more rather than less.

Next step - if you don't send any money, she loses face and doesn't write to you again. If you send say, 5,000baht, she's happy, family are impressed and all is well. If you send 10,000baht, she gives 5,000 and keeps 5,000 for herself - maybe ??

There would be an element of "hope" in her mail, as she has not mentioned an amount, hence hoping for a bigger donation, so perhaps she can keep some for herself. Looking at it from another side, how much would she promise to give, if she didn't have a farang friend ?? I doubt she could afford, or would be expected to give as much as 5,000baht.

My opinion is that you haven't known her for long enough, but don't get angry at her for doing what she feels is OK to do.

Cheers
Diz

[Young gun]

Pure BS dont belive a word of it, like some of the other guys have suggested tell her you have problems of your own at the momnet and cannot help.
If she is genuine she will let it go, if not she will give you a hard time.
More than likley it is pressure from her family for her to come up with money for them.

[andy50]

its a difficult question !she may, or may not be telling the truth,theres no way of knowing(unless you go to the funeral yourself)on the other hand it could easily be true
like the other poster said, leave it, and see what she says in her next e mail ,see how much money she asks for
she may be asking other boy friends for money too!its a common game the girls play, (i dont blame them, i would do the same if i were in their shoes!)

[Captain]

Good advice from LivinLOS and Disbusta. Those girls send a lot of money to the family, so that dad can drink with his friends, then drive around in the pick-up she is paying and F**K girls younger than his daughter. Everybody in the family knows how she is making money, but pretends that she works in an office or shop in BKK.
Of course they need money all the time. Why else would they come from Issan to BKK or Phuket or Pattaya. There is no social security so the young ones must look after the old ones.
So normally I would not send any. They get enough when I am in Thailand. But if it is only 5000 and only 1 time, do it if you can afford it. See it as an investment in the future (if you want to go back to the same girl).
I know a lady for 9 years (widowed), not in the bar circuit and not in Phuket. University educated, working in an office and farming shrimps in Nakhon Si Thammarat. Her mother has 69 rai of shrimpfarm, but she has 7 sisiters and 1 brother. When I see her, I allways give her a closed envelope with some money, that she used to pay for her son's school. In those 9 years she asked only 1 time for money, about 5 years ago. Her sister finished university and wanted to enter the police force as an officer. The family had to give 250000 Baht for entering. Seems police officers have a good social security and also the parents get the same advantages. I sent 25000.
Her sister is now a police officer in BKK and her son will enter Mahidon university for doctor this year. So I have no regrets what so ever, on the contrary.

[Hep]

Thanks a million for the answers guys.. I really appreciate it.

First of all I just want to add that I am in no way angry or anything at her for asking and I also fully understand the though conditions that most of these girls lives under. She told me herself that she works in a furniture shop in Khon Kaen and earns 150 bath per day.

The thing is that even though I only have known her for like 5 days in LOS and written with her for a month, I really do like her. It’s not like I’m going to marry her or anything, but I just thought she was a nice person and when I think back on the days we spent together I sit here in crappy Denmark with a smile on my face.. That in my book is definitely worth something.

I do like the girl and I was also thinking of seeing her again when I go to LOS next time so I think that I will follow the advice of LivinLOS, Diz and Captain. I’m still waiting for her email back with more information so I’ll see what kind of money we are talking about then.

Thanks for the advices everyone!

[Pentire]

I Paid for a Bar Girls Funeral a few years ago it cost (or rather i paid 50,000).

Six Months prior to her death (Cancer) she was one of my regular squeeze's then out of the blue one evening i received a call from the Hospital's accounts department explaining that she was terminally ill & could i be relied upon to settle the account.

Being the sceptical type (especially with Thai's) i sent my English friend who lives in Thailand to check out the facts; He repoted back exactly as i had been briefed by the Hospital and by now she had deceased.
At this stage, i agreed to contribute to the costs and calls were made to a number of guy's (customers) whose numbers were saved on her phone along with her previous employers (Bar Owners); Not one of them was willing to donate any money whatsoever therefore, i was left as the sole Benefactor.

The money was paid to the hospital and her mother (who was very poor) subsequently i also set up a small trust fund thru a Thai Lawyer to pay for her Kid's requirements.

These days when ever i return to the Bar were i met & ''bar fined'' her i am hero worshiped and held in the utmost respect by the girls who knew her & they all make a point of thanking me for my generosity.

When confronted with a situation like this, it is at first very difficult however, in my case once i realised the truth was being told then the decision to pay became an easy one.
As a result, i hold my head high with a clear conscience!


The attached pic shows the money handover to the Mother & Son.

[domifletch]

Personally, I would let her the benefit of the doubt and would send her this little money. After all, it's only 5000 bath and if her story is true (50% chances), it will help her and her family as they need it urgently.

But if next month she finds another "good" reason for asking money, then you will understand it was probably just a trick.

I have a Thai girlfriend in Phuket and she thinks it's normal I take care of her with money sometimes.
First time, it was to pay her driving courses and license (3500 bath) I said OK. Second time, she wanted to follow English courses in Phuket Town after her work time (she works in a big hotel)... 10.000 bath... I said OK as it provide her a better social level.
I know she has now her driving license and actually follows her english courses.
One month ago, she wanted to go to BKK to make a esthetical operation and needed 15.000 bath. I said no, arguing I loved her as she was ...; But then she said she wanted to buy a car to become as a taxi driver, she asked me what kind of car I wanted when I will come back and she would buy it for me. I said NO NO NO. Finally, she bought a computer for her home without asking money, but she said she had 15.000 bath to pay before the end of the month and she would get into trouble as she hadn't this money. Well, I sent her 15.000 bath to avoid her any problems, but got angry at her and said that I would not be able to come back soon if she needed money every month.

The real problem is that all TG think we are full of money and that it's nothing for us to send them money as themselves don't hesitate to send a good part of their salary to their family. I guess to have a farang bf make them feel socially higher and they also need to show their friends or family that the farang can financially take care of them.
It's a work of everyday to make them understand that money doesn't fall down from the sky and that life in our countries is far more expensive than in Thailand. When I tell my TG GF how much costs food or clothes here, she can't believe it. They absolutely never realize that we don't live here like we live on holidays in LOS.

[senor123]

Firstly to Pentire, Good on you...a great story but a little sad!!!!
My Thai G/F just recently drove from Bangkok to Phuket to check up on our bungalow. She caught up with her friends who all asked her for money for food. She gave them some but had to explain that she did not have "big money" and couldn't afford to help them out all the time. So it seems that it's not only a Thai/Farang thing it's just life in Thailand.
Steve.

[dawsey]

Originally Posted by Pentire

I Paid for a Bar Girls Funeral a few years ago it cost (or rather i paid 50,000).

Six Months prior to her death (Cancer) she was one of my regular squeeze's then out of the blue one evening i received a call from the Hospital's accounts department explaining that she was terminally ill & could i be relied upon to settle the account.

Being the sceptical type (especially with Thai's) i sent my English friend who lives in Thailand to check out the facts; He repoted back exactly as i had been briefed by the Hospital and by now she had deceased.
At this stage, i agreed to contribute to the costs and calls were made to a number of guy's (customers) whose numbers were saved on her phone along with her previous employers (Bar Owners); Not one of them was willing to donate any money whatsoever therefore, i was left as the sole Benefactor.

The money was paid to the hospital and her mother (who was very poor) subsequently i also set up a small trust fund thru a Thai Lawyer to pay for her Kid's requirements.

These days when ever i return to the Bar were i met & ''bar fined'' her i am hero worshiped and held in the utmost respect by the girls who knew her & they all make a point of thanking me for my generosity.

When confronted with a situation like this, it is at first very difficult however, in my case once i realised the truth was being told then the decision to pay became an easy one.
As a result, i hold my head high with a clear conscience!


The attached pic shows the money handover to the Mother & Son.

Thats a nice story Pentire. You should feel proud of yourself for helping out.
It reminded me a little of my last trip in April,passing the street beggars in Bangla and giving them 50/100 baht.It was no big deal to me but you could see it meant a lot to them.Even my kids were giving them money,especially the lady with the deformed hand with a baby in Bangla. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to do but I was proud of them.

[Burg]

Probably she has 6-8 regular mail-falangs ("I don't need a Madam (mama san), I need a modem!") she writes emails. All those falangs think she is special and he is special for her. Dream on. And the girls are also not so stupid. They know that the whole "buffalo is sick" story is well known amongst falangs, so try it with something else, a dead uncle for instance.

I would not send her 1 satang, even when it's small money to you.
If you want to find out if there's love going on between the two of you, the best way to find out is keep your purse closed. Locked that is.

[JayBee]

Originally Posted by Pentire

I Paid for a Bar Girls Funeral a few years ago it cost (or rather i paid 50,000).

I have to say that I was very much moved by your story, Pentire. In this day and age, when the world is so rife with tension, when people, like the others on her cell phone list, seem so heartless and selfish, and sometimes, you just don't know who to trust anymore, it is really good to hear that kind of a story. It gives me a shot in the arm to know that there are still unselfish people with goodness in their hearts like you.

I mean, I know there are good people out there, like the friend of mine who fifteen years ago "adopted" some crazy street lady's kid in Vietnam, hooked the kid up with a school, and sent them money for the schooling and to make sure the girl had food, and place to live also after her mother died, until she got thru college and got a job.

But, in the strife of everyday stress and conflict, you forget about these stories and sometimes you need a reminder, a fresh example that the milk of human kindness still flows from people's hearts.

Beautiful story. Really wonderful!

Thanks, Pentire. I needed that! You made my day!

JayBee

[pakhay]

If I am in such situation, I would send her some money, a amount that I could afford and I believe that I could her. I remember I sent a TG, a friend of my friend's girl, some money and ask her to go to learn some english as it would be good to her if she continues to work in Patong. At first, she didn't want but finally she took it (at that time, there is nothing between us and I didn't intend to impress her in any way). What I believe is that we come from a wealthy place when compare with the TG. I don't mind they do a little trick to get my generosity but I don't want to be treated as a fool. So, if there is a good reason, which can convince me, I am in the trap. No harm to me afterall, I feel better as afterall, the money goes to a poor person and would not be used in jewellery, perfume or other non-essential items.

Sometimes I feel lucky of better treated as a 'fool' as I have a deep pocket and not them, but one important thing is that I would not give them the impression that it is only a 'one-off' sponsor and I would be supporting them for long. This, they should know how to adjust themselves according to their income.

[Pentire]

One of my wealthy friends told me at the time that i was a fool however, once he saw the photos of the cremation and her family & friends in morning he accepted that i had done the right thing.
The way i look at it is; We get so much fun, love & affection from these girls that every now & again it is so nice to put a little back.