Married?

[Nicke]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend ...... she was a dream! There was only
one thing bothering me a fair bit, and that was my sister-in-law to be.


She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who
sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.


One day she called me and asked me to come over to help her mother check
the wedding invitations. So I went.


But she was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to
be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her elder
sister, she wanted to make love to me just once.


What could I say? I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. So, she
said, "I'll go to the bedroom and if you are up for it, just come and
get me."


I stood there for a moment and then turned around and went to the front
door. I opened it and stepped out of the house.


Her father was standing outside, with his wife and my financee. With
tears in their eyes, they hugged me and said, "We are very happy and
pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

[Nicke]

Always keep your condoms in your car.....

[mikegb]

There are 2 five year old boys from a really rough part of New York talking at school one day -

"Hey, I found a condom on the patio last night" said one boy.

"Whats a patio?" said the other.


----------------------------------

An english woman, scottish woman and an Irish woman are all sitting in a group knitting babies jumpers for their daughters who are all pregnant.

"I hope my grandchild is a boy" said the English woman. I have used blue wool for the jumper.

"I hope my grandchild is a girl" said the Scottish woman. I have used pink wool for the jumper.

"I hope my grandchild is a spastic" said the Irish woman. I have made a right mess with one of the sleeves......

[Jaws]

Three women a blonde , brunette and a redhead are all pregnant and in the doctors waiting room. The redhead says " I'm going to have a boy because I was on top when he was conceived " Well then the brunette says " Then I must be having a girl cause I was on the bottom " Suddenly the blonde bursts out crying and says " Oh shit that means I'm having puppies "

p.s. Might just explain Dingo ??

[Paddy]

Woman goes into doctor's, says she's got a bad back. The doctor asks if she's been doing any unusual physical exercise lately. 'As a matter of fact I have,' she says. 'I've been making love doggie style.'

'Well that's simple then' says the doctor. 'Go back to doing it in the missionary position and you'll be fine.'

'Ooh, I couldn't do that,' she says.

'Why not?'

'I couldn't stand the smell of the dog's breath.'

[Paddy]

This is a long one, but it's worth it..........
An unemployed pianist is walking along the street when he sees a sign in a wine bar window saying Pianist Wanted. ‘****ing magic’ he says and goes inside.

He says to the barman ‘excuse me, you stupid looking lump of shit. Can I speak to the jumped up ****hole who calls himself the manager of this pretentious wankpit?’ Slightly taken aback, the barman fetches the manager. ‘Good afternoon you ****ing tosser,’ says the pianist. ‘I’ve come about your poxy job.’

The manager isn’t at all sure he likes this, but they do need a pianist so he asks him to play something. He sits down and plays a melody that is so sweet and melancholic, it moves the manager to tears. When it’s finished he can hardly speak but he manages to ask him what it’s called.

‘That one’s called Prime Minister, I Jizzed In Your Daughter’s Eye And Now The Cunt’s Gone Blind.’

‘Right,’ says the manager. Can you play something a bit more upbeat?’

‘Certainly, twat,’ he says and plays a rousing rock and roll tune. There’s no doubt about it, he’s good. ‘That one’s called When You Shag A Bird Up The **** You End Up With Cack On Your Knob’ he says. ‘And I’ve got hundreds more, all my own compositions. Would you like to hear You Might Be Old My Dear But It’s Still Fun To Come On Your Tits?’

‘Er no, that’s OK’ says the manager. ‘Look, here’s the deal – you can have the job as long as you promise never to talk to the customers,OK?’

‘Fair enough, ****,’ the pianist says. So he starts that night and goes down a storm with the audience, who mistake his silence between songs for modesty. Sitting just near him is a gorgeous girl in a very sexy dress. She’s so gorgeous he has to dive into the gents for a wank in the interval. He manages to knock one out just in time for the start of his second set. He finishes his second set, which also goes down a storm, then goes over to the bar for a drink. The sexy girl comes up to him. ‘Excuse me,’ she says, ‘do you know your ****’s sticking out of your trousers and there’s spunk all over your shoes?’

‘Know it?’ he says, putting down his pint. ‘I ****ing wrote it!’

[r3aps]

theres an italian a german and an english guy all sitting round a table in a bar discussing how great they are in bed with there wifes.
the italian guy says when i finish making love to my wife i go down and lick her fanny all over and she lifts 6 inches off the bed .
thats nothing says the german guy,when i have finished making love to my wife,i turn her over and lick her ass for hours and she lifts 12 inches of the bed.
thats nothing says the english guy.when i have finished making love to my wife,i get up,walk over to the window and wipe my dong on the curtains,she hits the bloody roof.

steve

[mikegb]

Hi Paddy,

I heard that joke about 4 years ago, and it was one of the funniest jokes I had heard.
As soon as I started reading it I knew it, but the way you told it was ****in great. 10 out of 10

[steve w]

Q.what Do You Call Awomen With Two Twats..............a. Mrs Neville

[dawsey]

The best day of my life was walking down the aisle with my wife
towards the vicar.
Everyone was happy and smiling.
The vicar said a few words,I kissed her,
and shut the coffin lid!