Phuket Thailand

dawsey · #1 02-02-2006, 05:33

A very ugly man walked in to his local pub one night with a big grin on his face.
"You look pleased with yourself",said the landlord.

"I am, said the ugly man, last night I took a short cut across the railway tracks on my way home from the pub. I found a girl tied to the railway line, I cut her free and we shagged all night long"

"Thats nice,said the landlord, did you get a *******?"

"No, said the ugly man,couldn't find the head.

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An old man wanted to get rid of his 70yr old wife,so he found himself a hit-man.

The hitman agreed to do the job and the old man asked how he would kill her.

"Oh I'll shoot her just below her left nipple" he said.

"Thats no good, said the old man, I want her killed,not fcuking kneecapped"

dogblower · #2 02-02-2006, 10:55

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "Look darling - this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache".

His wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep".

The man says "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you".

S1MON · #3 02-02-2006, 21:53

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back
straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can
only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but knowing there
was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A
flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking
the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are
you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"We just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian,
wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"

dawsey · #4 07-02-2006, 03:22

A young girl goes into a pet shop and asks for a bunny rabbit.

The owners asks "Would you like a fluffy white rabbit or a fluffy brown one?

The girl replies "I don't think my snake gives a fcuk!

dawsey · #5 07-02-2006, 03:28

Irelands worst air disaster occured this morning when a 2 seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far,and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night

Sorry IJ,Ally and any other Irish friends