Subject: BBC commentary guidelines

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How True!!!!!! - though written by a scot????

1 - Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (Germany v Costa Rica) the commentator must mention England ... AND 1966

2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England and 1966 must be mentioned within the opening minute of the match.

3 - If England should play Argentina, passing reference to the Falkland Isles should be made at some point in the match.

4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst must be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.

5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then liberal references to '66' should be made for the duration of the match.

6 - Notwithstanding, 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times per any match involving England, however only 4 or 5 occasions for matches not involving England should suffice.

7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will make the comparison with Bobby Moore and 1966.

8 - When Germany is playing, they must be referred to as arrogant on several occasions (at the commentator's discretion). Commentary should be peppered with derogatory remarks referring to their footballing style, their passing ability, their haircuts and well, anything in general really.

9 - Should England play Germany, in addition to the obligatory references to 1966, numerous mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters, the Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory.

10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England in the first person plural ... "we" and "us".

11 - The commentator must strive ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are preserved:as a general rule of thumb;
Germans are arrogant.
Spanish are bottlers.
The Ivory Coast ... fast but poor in defence.
Africans are generally disorganised.
Argentinians are dirty filthy cheats ... and
French are only good because their best players play in England.

12 - For matches not involving England, only players who play in England need be mentioned. EG. Holland v Argentina should be referred to as Van Nistelroy v Crespo).

13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.

14 - Commentary on any match involving England should begin with the phrase "England expects."

15 - Should any player be involved in an injury which incurs the loss of teeth, then reference to Nobby Stiles & 1966 is compulsory.

16 - If in any doubt, at all, about anything, mention 1966.

17 - Favourable mention should be made of the stunning new German stadia, however qualification of this mention should immediately be made with emphasis that they lack the presence and atmosphere of Wembley, the true spiritual home of football since 1966.

18 - Commentators are at liberty to attempt to emulate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.

19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then comparisons with Jackie and Bobby Charlton should be made throughout the match.

20 - When England bows out after the first stage, it must be emphasised what a massive blow to football in general ... and what a serious impact on the quality of the remainder of the World Cup this will have.