Chili Tasting

[slinggalin]

these are notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn-Down-the-Barn Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
>
> FRANK: Call the EPA!! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look
HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
>
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
>
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[IRISH JONNY]

jees i just wasted of 3 minutes of my time.........555555.............ij

[dawsey]

Good one slingaling Some funny stuff there.
Oh...and I love chili sauces

[slinggalin]

Originally Posted by dawsey

Good one slingaling Some funny stuff there.
Oh...and I love chili sauces

glad you liked it Dawsey. I like differenet chili sauces as well and when i came across this it just about split my sides.

Had to share

[dogblower]

Better not send judge #3 out here then ....

[marc26]

i like spicy, and dont mind hot

i was at this italian girls house when i was in high school, family just off the boat
only crap, i ate a pepper that woul;d wipe out all the insurgents in Iraq!!

[ub2yoo]

Originally Posted by IRISH JONNY

jees i just wasted of 3 minutes of my time.........555555.............ij

You're a fast reader IJ I must say

[slinggalin]

Originally Posted by marc26

i like spicy, and dont mind hot

i was at this italian girls house when i was in high school, family just off the boat
only crap, i ate a pepper that would wipe out all the insurgents in Iraq!!

Same same here.

I went to a friends house a while back and his brother gave me a very small orange chili. they told me 'it's nothing, very mild. We eat em all of the time"

Well right after I bit into this thing my mouth was instantly out of action. Water didn't help at all. matter of fact it worsened it.

Was fine hours later

[ub2yoo]

Originally Posted by slinggalin

Same same here.

I went to a friends house a while back and his brother gave me a very small orange chili. they told me 'it's nothing, very mild. We eat em all of the time"

Well right after I bit into this thing my mouth was instantly out of action. Water didn't help at all. matter of fact it worsened it.

Was fine hours later

If you really want to kill that feeling, use something fat, like Milk. Water will indeed only make it worse since it will help distribute the spicy stuff happily throughout your mouth.

On another note, if there's a Singha around, why not grap it ;-)

[dawsey]

Originally Posted by ub2yoo

If you really want to kill that feeling, use something fat, like Milk. Water will indeed only make it worse ........

Thats true. If the Indian meal is too hot ,they will give you yoghourt and mint to cool your mouth down. Beer doesn't help I have found 55555

[visa2003]

Thanks Slinggalin, That made my morning!!!!
I thought I could handle chillies fairly well and would always ask for extra hot.
Well the chef at one restaurant took offense to this and sent out a meal that would put the space shuttle into orbit!!!!
I couldn't let him/her get away with that, so ate every last morsel!!!
I ended up chained to the loo for about a week!!!!!

[slinggalin]

Originally Posted by visa2003

Thanks Slinggalin, That made my morning!!!!
I thought I could handle chillies fairly well and would always ask for extra hot.
Well the chef at one restaurant took offense to this and sent out a meal that would put the space shuttle into orbit!!!!
I couldn't let him/her get away with that, so ate every last morsel!!!
I ended up chained to the loo for about a week!!!!!

555555

Hey Visa glad ya liked it.

That week on the loo must've been pretty painful

[marc26]

Originally Posted by visa2003

Thanks Slinggalin, That made my morning!!!!
I thought I could handle chillies fairly well and would always ask for extra hot.
Well the chef at one restaurant took offense to this and sent out a meal that would put the space shuttle into orbit!!!!
I couldn't let him/her get away with that, so ate every last morsel!!!
I ended up chained to the loo for about a week!!!!!

when im dieting, i add alot of hot auce and such to my food, the taste and not fattening
one morning in work, i piled my eggs with this hot pepper mix. kid next to commented that was way too many peppers
well, i ran to the toilet about 45 minutes later
i walked back onto the desk, guys were rolling aroung, laughing

[slinggalin]

Originally Posted by marc26

when im dieting, i add alot of hot auce and such to my food, the taste and not fattening
one morning in work, i piled my eggs with this hot pepper mix. kid next to commented that was way too many peppers
well, i ran to the toilet about 45 minutes later
i walked back onto the desk, guys were rolling aroung, laughing

Hot sauce on eggs is the best.

haven't had it do me in like that though..

[dogblower]

One of the boats I worked on, we had some Insanity Sauce 'cause a few of us liked really hot food. Enough to cover your little fingernail should be plenty for a plate of food though. One guy who reckoned he was really good threw it over his food like it was Tabasco and scoffed a mouthful of food before we could stop him. We thought he was having a heart attack! He had to be fed milk by the mouthful and retired to his bunk - but not for long - the stuff went through him like hot lava. We honestly thought we were looking at a medivac situation. The worst thing was going to be how to explain it to HQ in Houston. Far as I know he's recovered, but he seems to have lost his taste for hot food.

[slinggalin]

Originally Posted by dogblower

One of the boats I worked on, we had some Insanity Sauce 'cause a few of us liked really hot food. Enough to cover your little fingernail should be plenty for a plate of food though. One guy who reckoned he was really good threw it over his food like it was Tabasco and scoffed a mouthful of food before we could stop him. We thought he was having a heart attack! He had to be fed milk by the mouthful and retired to his bunk - but not for long - the stuff went through him like hot lava. We honestly thought we were looking at a medivac situation. The worst thing was going to be how to explain it to HQ in Houston. Far as I know he's recovered, but he seems to have lost his taste for hot food.

Geez, never had sause that freakin hot before. And, hope I never do..

I bet he was embarrassed the rest of the trip

[LivinLOS]

insanity sauce (and many others) use chemical processing to increace the capsaican contents..

Some of these 'sauces' are plain unusable..

Hottest Sauces in the World - Scoville Unit - The Hottest Sauce in the World

I like my hot sauces.. But I find cayanne peppers a very different taste and heat to Thai chillies.. Really like Spicy tex mex or Cajain cooking.. Surinamse food can be real firey too with Scotch Bonnets in there..

[slinggalin]

Originally Posted by LivinLOS

insanity sauce (and many others) use chemical processing to increace the capsaican contents..

Some of these 'sauces' are plain unusable..

Hottest Sauces in the World - Scoville Unit - The Hottest Sauce in the World

I like my hot sauces.. But I find cayanne peppers a very different taste and heat to Thai chillies.. Really like Spicy tex mex or Cajain cooking.. Surinamse food can be real firey too with Scotch Bonnets in there..

Hey thanks for that link. I'm gonna look at closer abit later on.

I just made some Tom Yum soup last night and i used only 15 chilis. If you've ever made tom Yum you know what I mean. It's why too hot for my mother, just right for me GF here, and not hot enough for my friends here at work.

[LivinLOS]

I remember when I was living in Holland with Wifey she would knock up Tom Yum Gai as a hangover remedy.. The chillis and the fluids really worked wonders..

Anyway we had been to the asian / ethnic supermarket and they had been out of fresh Thai chillis and as it catered to many Surinamese and Caribbean's also I had got her to buy some Scotch Bonnet (Habenero / Madame Chanettes / Etc) bell peppers.. The shop guy had even warned her but of course her being Thai she was convinced that Thai chillis the best etc..

She put a whole handful of these habenero peppers in the soup as a substitute and even she couldnt bear a sip of it !!! Of course this wasnt discovered until I had sat down and taken the first great big slurp with a raging head..

Maybe looking back she was getting her own back for me being such a drunken bum !!

[slinggalin]

Originally Posted by LivinLOS

I remember when I was living in Holland with Wifey she would knock up Tom Yum Gai as a hangover remedy.. The chillis and the fluids really worked wonders..

Anyway we had been to the asian / ethnic supermarket and they had been out of fresh Thai chillis and as it catered to many Surinamese and Caribbean's also I had got her to buy some Scotch Bonnet (Habenero / Madame Chanettes / Etc) bell peppers.. The shop guy had even warned her but of course her being Thai she was convinced that Thai chillis the best etc..

She put a whole handful of these habenero peppers in the soup as a substitute and even she couldnt bear a sip of it !!! Of course this wasnt discovered until I had sat down and taken the first great big slurp with a raging head..

Maybe looking back she was getting her own back for me being such a drunken bum !!

Hum?? habenero peppers in the Tom Yum...might have to try in my next batch.

But only a few of course

[LivinLOS]

Surnamese cook with those.. I think they are probably the hottest I have ever tasted..

[dogblower]

Habanero or Scotch Bonnet are allegedly the hottest in the world. Their Scoville rating is magnitudes above the Thai chilis.