Before You Speak

[Murdock]

Subject: Before you speak......


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a
few people who did....


***I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.

***I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

***My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.

***While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of
the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me were screams of laughter.

***Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a
quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have
had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one
more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked
down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S
JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had!

***This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the
set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!