Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm A Good Laugh !!!!

[IRISH JONNY]

A WHITE haired man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday night with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he told the jeweller.

So he looked through his stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at £5,000.

"I don't think you understand," he said. "I want something very unique."

The jeweller then went and got his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring which costs £40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled and the man said he would take it.

"How are you paying sir?" asked the jeweller.

"I'll pay by cheque - but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque now and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll come back on Monday to collect the ring."

Monday morning a very angry off jeweller phoned the man.

"You git," he screamed. "You lied to me. There's no money in that account!"

"I know," giggled the man. "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"





FOUR men went golfing one day. Once on the course, three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went to the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragged about their sons.

The first man told the others: "My son is a builder and is so successful that he gave a friend a brand new house for free."

The second man said: "My son is a car salesman and owns a huge dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new BMW with all the extras."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged: "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio worth £100,000."

It was at this point that the fourth man joined them on the tee.

The first man said: "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar."

The three friends looked down at the grass and smirked.

The fourth man carried on: "Admittedly, I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job. But he must be doing pretty well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new BMW and a stock portfolio worth £100,000



CLYDE the skater died in a fire and was badly burnt. The morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

They went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clyde said: "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said: "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked: "How can you tell?" Zeke said. "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say: "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes



BIOLOGY professor Mr White asked one of the girls in his class: "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily: "Mr White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me.

"I assure you that my parents will hear of this."

With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr White asked Miss Jones the same question.

She replied: "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[IRISH JONNY]

A GUY is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.

Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his nuts at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest nuts I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's nuts, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

[IRISH JONNY]

A NEWLYWED couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride, "all the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin.

"In future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself so she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand

[Werwolf]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[IRISH JONNY]

UPON hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied Granny.

"Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

"It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

"She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[IRISH JONNY]

A MAN drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up.

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver: "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says: "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says: "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo," he said.

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today we're going to the beach