Funny

[IRISH JONNY]

> > > > The Leopard, Monkey & Smart Dachshund
> > >
> > >A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in
> > >
> > > >Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for
> > > >
> > > >company.
> > >
> > >One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and
> > >
> > > >before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
> > >
> > > >So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
> > >
> > > >rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
> > >
> > > >having lunch.
> > >
> > > >The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!
> > >
> > > >Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
> > >
> > > >immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
> > >
> > > >back to the approaching cat.
> > >
> > > >Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
> > >
> > > >exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
> > >
> > > >I wonder if there are any more around here."
> > >
> > > >Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
> > >
> > > >mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he
> > >
> > > >slinks away into the trees.
> > >
> > > >"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close.
> > >
> > > >That dachshund nearly had me."
> > >
> > > >Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
> > >
> > > >scene from a nearby tree figures he can but this
> > >
> > > >knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
> > >
> > > >the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw
> > >
> > > >him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
> > >
> > > >figured that something must be up.
> > >
> > > >The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills
> > >
> > > >the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
> > >
> > > >leopard..
> >
> > > >The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
> > >
> > > >says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
> > >
> > > >going to happen to that conniving canine."
> > >
> > > >Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the
> > >
> > > >monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do
> > >
> > > >now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with
> > >
> > > >his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> > >
> > > >them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear
> > >
> > > >the dachshund says....
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour
> > >
> > > >ago to bring me another leopard!"
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE,
> > >
> > > >BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT
> >

[IRISH JONNY]

LITTLE Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point mummy cut him off and said: "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mummy asked Little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was in the Army."

Sometimes one needs to listen to the whole story before one interrupts...

[IRISH JONNY]

FOUR brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said: "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said: "I had a hundred thousand pound theatre built in the house"

The third said: "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said: "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well.

I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mum sent out her thank you notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious - thank you

[IRISH JONNY]

SO you think your life is bad... just think how bad the life of an egg is...

You only get laid once,
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard and
two minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with
11 other guys.
And the only chick that ever sat on
your face was your mother.

Now don't you feel better?

[IRISH JONNY]

A YOUNG teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, she kept it a secret from her grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma?

The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let Grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," so she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.

"But you're so old... how do you do it?" he said.

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry

[IRISH JONNY]

AT school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the postman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The postman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug

[IRISH JONNY]

>> >A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some

>>see-through

>> >lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that

>>range

>>from

>> >R250 to R1500 in price, the more see-through, the higher the

>>price.

>>He opts

>> >for the sheerest item, pays the R1500 and takes the lingerie

>>home.

>> >

>> >He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on

>>and model

>> >it for him.

>> >

>> >Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through

>>that it

>> >might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling

>>naked

>>and

>> >return it tomorrow and get a R1500 refund for myself.

>> >

>> >So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

>>The

>> >husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for R1500, they'd at least

>>iron it!"

>> >

>> >His funeral is this Thursday

[Jaws]

You have far too much time on your hands ! LOL. I liked the the first one with the Smart Dauschund.

[IRISH JONNY]

Originally Posted by Jaws

You have far too much time on your hands ! LOL.

I KNOW...........
TODAY IS AN OVERTIME DAY FOR ME AND SO FAR I HAVE EMAILED 2 WORK COLLEAUGES........THE REST OF MY "WORK "IS BEEN DONE ON THE FORUM....... GREAT TO EARN EXTRA CASH FOR LOS..........WHILE READING ABOUT IT !!!!!!!!
JONNY

[IRISH JONNY]

TWO old men - Bert and Sid - were sitting on a park bench.

Bert turns to Sid and says, "Do you think there are football teams in Heaven?"

Sid thinks for a minute and replies: "I don't know, mate, but let's make a deal. Whichever of us dies first has to come back and tell the other if there's any football in Heaven."

They shake on it, and, sadly, a few months later, poor Bert passes on.

Some days afterwards, Sid is sitting in the park when he hears a voice whisper, "Sid... Sid..."

Sid responds,"Bert! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is," whispers the spirit of Bert.

Sid, still amazed, asks, "So there is football in Heaven?"

"Well," whispers Bert, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first," says Sid.

Bert whispers,"Well, there is football in Heaven."

Sid asks, "And what's the bad news?"

Bert sighs and whispers,"You're playing next Saturday."