Peter Kay "One Liners"

[dawsey]

> >PETER KAY ONE LINERS !
> >
> >1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'on it. I said
>Thyroid
>
> >problem?'
> >
> >2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
>Then I
> >realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
>asked
> >him to forgive me.
> >
> >3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
>wife to
> >go swimming.
> >
> >4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
>don't
> >get on with my real ladder.
> >
> >5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So
>I
> >ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> >
> >6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
>Bypass.
> >Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened
>criminals.
> >
> >7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
>names.
> >But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones
>may
> >break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
>there
>
> >on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> >
> >8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
>probably
> >why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> >
> >9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
>better
> >have a good hand.
> >
> >10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
>neighbour
> >said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> >
> >11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
>out of
>
> >meat?
> >
> >12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
>nervous and
>
> >give the wrong answers.
> >
> >13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me
>neither.
> >
> >14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
>from
> >things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> >
> >15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> >
> >16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
>think
> >I've forgotten this before
> >
> >PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> >
> >1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> >
> >2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> >
> >3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
>when your
>
> >pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> >
> >4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> >
> >5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
>have
> >a fire in your back garden.
> >
> >6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> >
> >7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> >
> >8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> >
> >9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill
>you at
> >the first given opportunity.
> >
> >10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed
>half way
> >through and then raced against the flush.
> >
> >11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> >
> >12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> >
> >13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> >
> >14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> >
> >15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
>had
> >their arm broken by a swan.
> >
> >16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
>piece of
> >wood specifically to stir paint with.
> >
> >17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
>putting it
> >in a fruit salad.

[Sunrise]

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Shit. AND I enjoy doing the garden. Oh well, I think he will be chuffed to hear it.

[steve w]

nice work ,i'm a fan and i've missed a few of them