 |
|
|
#1
16-04-2005, 23:53
|
|||
|
|||
|
In dire need of some sound advise...
Dear members,
I have been reading your postings for some time now, many of which I have found extremely interesting. Now a problem of the more complex sort has developed in my sexlife which forces me to seek advise... The facts : During my first visit to Laos 2 years ago I met a local girl which was both cute and lovely. In frenzy of passion and sweat I fell for her. She ist neither a bargirl nor was she - at any time - trying to scam me (I know this because there were numerous occasions where she could have done so easily but never did). Far from it....she works in a clothes factory and is a honest, hardworing girl of (now) 26. Last year I visited her again and finaly this year our relationship led to some unplanned consequenzes i.e her getting pregnant with my child. Now I am really affected to the woman, I´m pretty sure that I am in love with her. At the same time, though, I´m only 24 and at present a student in Denmark. I deem myself too young to start a family, which would undermine my career and fear the scandal which would errupt around my family, should I bring the girl back home with me. Abortion is out of the question, too, as she is categoricaly against it (she wants to have a fallangbaby) and I´m not really enthusiastic about the idea either... Can anyone of you seasoned veterans help me out with some info, advise or anything else? I would appreciate it very much, me being a pretty worried and anxious mate at the end of his wisdom at the moment.... Soc Dee, Ampoliros p.s. : Please refrain from answering this thread if your ambition is to flame, insult or start any moral discussions about the said topic, as the deed is already done and this would just lead to all of us wasting or time, energy and braincells. 
|
| Guest Info |
|
+:+:+ Forum Headquarter +:+:+ |
|
#2
17-04-2005, 01:32
|
|||
|
|||
|
bad news which everway you look at it
THis is not just a Phuket problem, it happen every day all over the world.
Your options are very limited. You have three choices One :Just abandon this girl full stop Two :Go back home and send money to maintain a child you may never see again for the next sixteen years. Three :Go with your heart and take her home. THis is your life and hers. You live in a country that has very good ideas of tolerance. You should not be influenced by what others think! If your feelings are true and you are commited to this girl,(and she to u) you will both find a way round any problems concerning your work as you will both work together to solve them. As for 24 too young, many many people are in this situation, how are you going to decide when you are old enough? Finally, dont listen to a word anyone says on this site(including me) as you will only end up confused(sorry other BMs).THis is a decision that only you and she can make.Unfortunatly what works for one person will not work for another.Please, go talk to your parents, you are their son, they know you and will help you.If you feel you cannot talk to them, there are many qualified people in your country who are there to help you. I am sorry that I cannot give you an answer but this is not the right place to ask this kind of question. If you want more information on what help is available please pm me. To the other BMs, sorry if I upset anyone with the above post.I may be totally wrong but this is my interpretation of the answer needed.
|
|
#3
17-04-2005, 01:41
|
||||
|
||||
|
i mean if you can't take her home and Abortion is out of the question then really you only have a few options 1 is to move to thailand, but you need to work in order to support her and the baby, 2 you can send money to her and visit her as much as you can, or 3 get her back home and try to make your family understand that you have to do this for the kids sake, have to tryed getting pro help
__________________
YOU can TAKE the GIRL out OF the BAR, but YOU can't TAKE the BAR out OF the GIRL !!!!
|
|
#4
17-04-2005, 01:53
|
||||
|
||||
|
Have to agree with CeeGee's answer there is no easy way out I'm afraid, unless your parents are very liberal they will undoubtably tell you to forget her and not ruin you life over this girl.
__________________
Always play to win!
|
|
#5
17-04-2005, 02:01
|
||||
|
||||
|
You already have received sound advise
Quote:
Especially from CeeGee but I would suggest you grow up and face the responsibility ( no flame intended ), as you said you are 24 and in light of that others opinions should matter less then your own feelings. Since abortion is no option you have limited the options to what CeeGee already have stated. Since you have feelings for her I see no reason you should be too young to start a family, infact you already did...like it or not. If I were in same situation and I was in love I would marry her with all the proper legal papers, get her to my country and make sure she'd give birth there. That way you ensure you have rights and responsibility towards your child. You obviously found a nice girl you're in love with who is expecting your child, I know a lot of people that'd wish to be in that situation... Still I wish you the best of luck, no matter what you decide to do. chok-di
|
|
#6
17-04-2005, 02:38
|
||||
|
||||
|
Have to agree this is maybe not the right place!
I think that junkhouse gave you good advice. I did not like the part "scandal in the family". You went with the girl, you did not abuse her, you were in love with her and still are! Now 24 is youn, my wife was 18 when we met and 21 when we got married! I don't know your financial situation, neither the one of your family! I see people much younger then yourself who get in this situation, and who work out fine. If you are really in love with this girl there should be no problem at all. It is not because she is from Laos that she would be in anyway inferiour! If I understand it well you did not talk it over with your family! If you were my son, wich could be so by the way, as I am getting old, I would have nothing against it, that you should bring this girl home! Again, not nowing anything about your background makes it difficult to know in what situation you are exactely. But 24 years is old enough to make yOU decide and nobody else. If you love the girl like you said, nothing can become an obstacle! There are ways enough to finish your studies and go on with your life with a wife and child! If you don't, well you will not be the first farang to leave a girl in the shi*, she will manage, but it will be difficult for her. And if you love her, well then you know what you should do! My 5 cents...
|
|
#7
17-04-2005, 02:44
|
|||
|
|||
|
Mate I feel for you I really do..... **** me, this is EXACTLY what happened to me.
First off, you got to make sure she really is pregnant. Now when the baby is born you HAVE to make sure it is yours. You can buy a DNA test from the internet and all you need to do is take swab samples from inside the mouth. You can do this when you are feeding the baby. Get up in the night and do it without the girl knowing. Then you post the samples off and in a week or 2 you can phone the laboratory and get a result. The mothers permission is NOT needed, and I'd suggest you keep this secret for the time being anyway. Now you may want to bring the girl and baby home to the west, better healthcare, better education, what you percived as a better start in life...etc etc. However, the girl is going to miss her family and friends and she isn't going to like the climate, the difficulty in language. Feeling alone with a baby in a foriegn country will be very tough for her, it will probably do your relationship more harm than good. If you really love her, I'd move to Asia if i were you, or at least keep going back every couple of months or so, be expensive on the air fares but this is going to be YOUR family and I think you will fall in love with the baby when it's born and you'll want to be there as much as possible anyway. This happened to me, last year in Asia, again with a Lao girl. I worked and saved and planned and when I got to Asia, I found that she had lost the baby. She didnt tell me before I got there becasue she thought I wouldnt go back. And yes, she was definetly pregnant becasue I saw her a lot earlier in the year and watched the change in her as the pregnancy went on, she got big. As the baby died I never got to find out if it was really mine or not and that is going to haunt me forever. I am never going to know the truth now. You are not in that situation yet my friend, and I wish you all the luck that I never had. I really hope you get what you want out of this. I still have the unopened DNA test in my suitcase from my last trip, and you can have it off me if you like. I wont be needing one for a while. Good luck Buddy, and if you want to chat about it you can email to me....
|
|
#8
17-04-2005, 02:53
|
|||
|
|||
|
The reason i went on such a mad bender last year shagging everything I could was because of this disaster I had with my girl. I was totally in love with her and I was going to move to be with her and have a family. when it went wrong, then i reacted badly and didnt trust her. She in turn didnt trust me and then things went downhill rapidly. In the end I left because it was just going from bad to worse.
Thats when I went off on my own and I had such bad feelings inside me that I was drinking and ****ing myself into oblivion. I am lucky not to be another casualty. Dont let this happen to you mate, keep on top of things mentally. Keep a check on yourself. Especially if you are in love with her! If you want to run away and leave her thats up to you, but as for what the other guy said about "you will not be the 1st farang to run and leave a baby alone", well yes thats true, but it doenst make it right does it. I could never leave my baby anyway. once more, good luck!
|
|
#9
17-04-2005, 03:25
|
||||
|
||||
|
All interesting advice ,but dont forget the baby ,the baby did not ask to be born and is not at fault here.
you will soon know when the baby is born if it is yours or not lets face it the will be some noticeable differences between asian babaies and fifty fifty babies ,just ask Nicke about his beautifull daughter you can see both the mother and father in her. but dont abondon the child because of your own self control to use protection.
__________________
Coffee for one sir ? The joys of sponsorship 
|
|
#10
17-04-2005, 04:17
|
||||
|
||||
|
I would also advice to make sure the baby is yours and that she is really pregnant, a common scam is just to say she is pregnant while she is not. I dont know the reasons, she may test your feelings for her and wether or not you are willing to take your responsibilities and support her.
I have seen so many cases where the girl says she is pregnant while she is not. They get money for abortation or if he want to keep the child, she says she got menstruation back. I also know girls with supporting boyfriends and the baby was not his baby at all. Thats why I am very cautious regarding cases like this.
|
|
#11
17-04-2005, 06:28
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
I dont believe you can see the mother and father in a baby anyway, it is too difficult to tell. Babies just look like babies. A DNA test is an absolute must to gain your peace of mind!
|
|
#12
17-04-2005, 06:41
|
||||
|
||||
|
Yes. There is always a chance that the baby is not yours, or that she is not pregnant....
But if you are serious about her, ways to find out. Now how did you meet this girl? You have the impression she had other "farangs" before? Was she easy to go to bed......? Now I do not know for Laos-girls. The girls we meet in phuket are the kind of girls who knows how things work. They see a lot and know what the scene is about. Your girl is working in a factory, not in a bar. And don't forget, having a baby of a farang is a shame, when the farang doesn't show up anymore. The people will accept you though if you clear the situation!
|
|
#13
17-04-2005, 06:53
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
Now im not trying to flame or insult you, but after reading your first few sentances, i looked to check your age in your profile bit, as i have often thought of the same thing happening to me at this young age! But when i looked, it said 22, not 24 like you claim in your actual thread. So is this just a mistake or are you making it up as u go? On the issue of abbortion! In my view, if the baby is yours and there is no real major problem with it (i.e. major handicap that will have a massive impact on its life!), then they is no option but to keep it! It may 'hurt' your family, but you should of thought of that BEFORE you slept with the girl! So then its up to you to support her where ever she is from! Or take her back to your country, if its viable, and help raise the child from there! Of course ignore my advice as its only mine! But this is my opinion, which u asked us for!
|
|
#14
17-04-2005, 07:06
|
||||
|
||||
|
This is a very public place to discuss a very very serious topic (and its 7am)..
The first thing I must say is any man that does not look after his own offspring is not worth the title of being a man and I have fallen out with many guys back in the 'control' of europe asking me how to avoid the CSA..'If' this baby is yours (??) there is a world of responsibility that I (personally) am far too much of a child in a mans body to deal with.. How could you walk away and spend the rest of your life not knowing.. I dont know, I guess I could not, child that I am... First thing, decide in your own mind what you are prepared to do.. Do you feel enough heart to stay with her ?? If not do not, then do not make make any charade or communicate anything other than your true feelings (nearly every long term girl I know has a kid back home she is 'working' to support) and I have had very frank conversations with girls who have deliberately taken this on simply because they know the man was 'soft' (or strong) enough to not walk away... Secondly as the idiot Reagan said, 'Trust but verify' make sure that a paternity test is performed as soon as possible after birth, its cold and hard but so is life.. Other than that there is not much more to say.. Despite your age, being a father happens (mine was on the lamb and did not need me) and I dont think any of us (boys in mens bodies) are really 'ready' for it.. Life is a strange thing, I dont believe that a collection of cells is 'alive' but I know that my grandfather (being part of the rotary / High Ranking army / British Legion / Masons / etc) wanted me aborted when my teenage mum got up the stick with a gypsey from the wrong side of life (and made her so poor that its hard to understand 'family' in the way I feel it).. No one knows what life leads to... One of the hardest things I ever did is what I am going to advise you.. Tell her you will give no support.. Tell her you are history and gone.. Dont give her a hint of the way into falang life (cause I have seen it so many times with men with jai dee / good hearts).. seem as cold as you can.. Offer to pay for a termination.. keep a poker face at all times.. BUT.. If she bears your child into this world, you have no other option than to stand up and do what you must, you child would then deserve financial and emotional support.. One of my better early 20's irish mates used to party in Holland but 20 - 30% of his paycheck went back to the girl he got up the duff in his home village.. Mistake maybe, but he was man enough to make sure that he would not run away from his genetic code or the woman that trusted him that night.. I respected him so much more despite the changes he had to make in his life... Here family and children are so much cheaper (but you are also very young).. It does always annoy me that both male and female have the ability to protect against 'mistakes' until the moment that sperm meets egg.. All of a sudden a woman has all the power and control (I do understand its her body, but from my perspective I could never walk away into the sunset), at that point (in Europe) she can decide if she wants government assistance, or decide if she wants to take a % of a mans earnings and lifestyle (financially) without his input, for years to come.. At the moment that egg meets sperm the man is not an equal in the descsiosn making process, he is merely a support stucture backed by government control (maybe not enough feel the compulsion to provide.. who am I to know or judge)... That does not happen here but if you have an ounce of charechter 'if' the baby is yours you have no other choice but to be its father.. Trust but verify..
__________________
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich. Last edited by LivinLOS : 17-04-2005 at 07:09.
|
|
#15
17-04-2005, 07:12
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
This is what i was trying to say, but couldnt so well!
|
|
#16
17-04-2005, 07:26
|
||||
|
||||
|
Just looking back up in this thread.. it is impossible to discuss this topic without strong opinions on many sides.. abortion is not something that allows you to sleep peacefully at night... I have no belief in 'god' (lower case) but was dragged up by catholics.. I only believe in 'morals', self control, and self determination.. however..
IMHO (apologies in advance) early enough stem cells and multiplying cells / genes / whatever we are, is not concious.. I came close to making some tough choises as a teenager, I used powers of pursuation that I still think about.. but my life has had freedoms that a father could never have risked, moments I would never have had, my only responsibility was to me, survive, sink or swim, the postman (milkman / Rover employee / guy that works in the factory down the road) can never live that life, it aint all roses but I will take the dizzying highs and sickening lows of lifes roller coaster over the middle ground any day, yet I could never do that if I was a Dad.. For many its the best thing that ever happened (ask Nicke).. when I grow up and know what I am gonna do I will tell ya..
__________________
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
|
|
#18
17-04-2005, 08:57
|
||||
|
||||
|
Thats me at the end of a night when I should retire (nearly 9am)...
You should meet me when I am sober enough to be charming... I live in hope (and my GF wouldnt mind either  )
__________________
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
|
|
#19
17-04-2005, 09:26
|
|||
|
|||
|
im serious livinlos....
i know its kind of weird considering i have only talked to u over the internet but u have gone out of ur way sooooo many time to help me and u r such a beautiful writer that i think i have developed a real crush.....is that ok??? send me a pic to my pm since i never got any of the emails to my accounts. can u send pics. to pm's or are u in the member gallery pic. section??? i wasnt kidding when i said that a huge part of me being excited about coming to los was to finally meet u. i was very serious
plus u sound like a very adventurous bad boy on the run thru europe type of guy, hello how sexy is that??!!!!?????!!! by the way.....what did u do that u had to run from in europe??? pm me. i have my different scenarios like maybe u robbed a bunch of banks or stole art from the louve or the prince of monaco (i am very creative)....u r very oceans 12 (since it was in europe) ....very, hot
|
|
#20
17-04-2005, 10:53
|
|||
|
|||
|
Ampoliros, My honest advice is as follows:
You made a mistake as much as she did. You are a student in Danmark indeed and have your own worries with your family, scandal ect. You also are fortunate enough to live in a country where you do not have to marry her to bring her to Denmark. You do need to live with her. In Denmark she can get good antenatal treatment, she will even get money in the form of "bidrag" when she has YOUR child. That child is half Danish and is YOURS, that child deserves the best you can give it as a parent, just because she is carrying it makes it no less yours. To me there is no issue, you need to get her to the Danish embassy in Lao and get the papers moving asap, I would even call immigration in Denmark yourself and try and speed things up. Just as she needs to tell her family and face consequences so to do you. It may be hard but as I said, you made a mistake just as much as she did. Could you really live knowing that you did not entitle your child to the best medical care it could get before it was born and then left it in a country not knowing the conditions it was being brought up in? Just sending money is not an option, in my mind. The beauty of the Danish system is that you can bring her to Denmark, live together for a couple of years while you see how things go and also can help her with the baby and also bond with your child, and if things do not work out she has the option of staying having also been able to adjust to life in Denmark, learning the language customs culture etc. I really hope you take this advice and bring her to you where she can get better care for her and YOUR unborn child. But in this time make sure you let her go and learn Danish in the FREE classes offered in Denmark, if things do not work out this will be invaluable to her in terms of increasing her options to stay and make a life for herself and your baby. It will also be good if she stays as she will then also be close enough for you to participate in your childs life. You may be "only" 24 but many parents have been a lot younger and had a lot worse circumstances and done a great job raising their children. Now go get her an opholdstilladelse! Let us know how you get on!
|
|
#21
17-04-2005, 15:17
|
||||
|
||||
|
Is the girl in Thailand or Laos? Not that it makes that much of a difference but I would like to know. Here are the steps I would take: 1.Tell your parents. You are an adult but without knowing your exact situation as a student they probably are supporting you. If the baby is yours this will have an impact on them. Denmark if I'm not mistaken is a pretty tolerant country this is a situation you will need your parents emotional and financial support. Don't fear any scandal, fear for the well being of your child and mother. You will probably have to take some time off from school to get this situation sorted out. Don't worry your school will always be there, take care of your responsibilities 2. Verify if she is pregnent, if she is make sure she recieves good prenatal care even though you have not confirmed this is your baby or not, you still care for this girl. You will have to come back to where she is to confirm pregnency. (Yes this will take time away from school). 3. Confirm DNA You need to know if it's your baby or not. This has to be done by dna testing only. 4. If it's your baby You then have two choices I feel. a. Bring mom and baby back home to your country.Eurogirl details that part in the previous post. b. Send support to mom and baby and have baby raised in mom's home country. This might be the most feasable as Asian families have good support from the whole family. The mom would not feel alone with a baby to raise in a foreign country but have her whole village and parents helping her with her first baby. (Is |
