Phuket Thailand

CeeGee · #1 19-08-2006, 17:53

Looking for some advice from BMs married or in a strong relationship with a Thai girl.
Met someone a year ago in Phuket(35 year old non BG) who lives in Pattaya with her older sister and son aged 17.Have been back to Thailand four times and speak on the telephone each day.Done the usual, been up country, Nakon Sawan, to meet family and friends. I send her 5/10K Baht every month or so to help pay rent.Now she is coming over to the UK for a month.

Ok, that the background.
Now the problem, I am thinking of in a few years buying a small property in Pattaya as a semi retirement home and in my plans are for my Thai (it seems silly to call a 35 year old woman, GF) friend, to live with me and maybe eventually get married. I accept that her son will probably live with us and that ok.The problem is the (older)sister.My friend runs a small shop from her house and her sister has a small laundry.My friend assumes that her sister will also move in with us(this means I have to buy a three bedroom house and not a two as intended).Now I am not to keen on this but maybe I will have to accept this.However, if she moves in with us, I have no intention of turning my home into a laundry, so she will have no income. I have no problem in supportinmg my friend(maybe wife) and accept her son comes as part of the package. But supporting totally her sister as well seems a bit much(there are other brothers and sister scattered about Thailand but they dont seem to come into the equation.)I tried to mention this problem and I got a flood of tears and "this thai way".Ok guys over to you, am I onto a loser as far as the sister problem is concerned or has anyone else had a similar experience who can give some advice. Thanks

As my friend is coming for a month, this might be a good time to raise the subject again

steve@thaib · #2 19-08-2006, 18:26

Wow, there's a question.

First off, my wife comes from Nakhon Sawan too and I was there a couple of weeks ago, bit of a coincidence.

As far as the family goes, I think the ties remain forever; this is not going to go away.

My wife's family are in Nakhon Sawan and we bought a piece of land up there last year. Her plan is to build a house and for us all to live together happily ever after. I, like yourself, have a different view of the future. I can't imagine sharing my home with a whole load of other people, Thai or not, family or not I need my own space.

I guess the question you need to answer is just how much responsibilty you are prepared to take on. I have drawn the line with my wife. I have promised her that she will be ok, but have made no such promise in regard to her family. She takes care of her family, and I take care of her. You can only take on so much.

This is not advice, I'm just sharing my experience. What worked for me only worked to a point, our relationship is a long way from perfect so I'm not any sort of shining example of how to deal with Thai women.

When she arrived from Thailand, she had this vision of me tipping up money every month and she would take care of the home and distribute cash around the boonies among her family.

I made it crystal clear that there would be none of my money making that trip, and that if she wanted to send cash to her mum and her sister/grandma/buffalo repair man etc. then she had better get a job. Much to her credit that is exactly what she has done.

Where that leaves us, me, is insulated from all the demands for money that come her way, and believe me they do arrive. She sends a lot of money home and it seems like feeding strawberries to a donkey; they never have enough. If I had allowed it to be my money, where would I be now?

The flip side of that is this: when it came down to it and she wanted to buy some land I gave her the money. It seemed like she understood that I would help her out with the big stuff if she protected me from the rest of it. She is now fiercely protective of me in regard to demands for cash because, or at least I think because, I came through when it mattered. She also knows that I will come through again when the house needs building.

Looking back on the whole thing, putting my foot down in the beginning was without doubt the defining moment for us; it was so the right thing to do.

My reality though, I suspect, will be more than one property if I don't want to live with her family.

marc26 · #3 20-08-2006, 03:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve@thaib

Wow, there's a question.

First off, my wife comes from Nakhon Sawan too and I was there a couple of weeks ago, bit of a coincidence.

As far as the family goes, I think the ties remain forever; this is not going to go away.

My wife's family are in Nakhon Sawan and we bought a piece of land up there last year. Her plan is to build a house and for us all to live together happily ever after. I, like yourself, have a different view of the future. I can't imagine sharing my home with a whole load of other people, Thai or not, family or not I need my own space.

I guess the question you need to answer is just how much responsibilty you are prepared to take on. I have drawn the line with my wife. I have promised her that she will be ok, but have made no such promise in regard to her family. She takes care of her family, and I take care of her. You can only take on so much.

This is not advice, I'm just sharing my experience. What worked for me only worked to a point, our relationship is a long way from perfect so I'm not any sort of shining example of how to deal with Thai women.

When she arrived from Thailand, she had this vision of me tipping up money every month and she would take care of the home and distribute cash around the boonies among her family.

I made it crystal clear that there would be none of my money making that trip, and that if she wanted to send cash to her mum and her sister/grandma/buffalo repair man etc. then she had better get a job. Much to her credit that is exactly what she has done.

Where that leaves us, me, is insulated from all the demands for money that come her way, and believe me they do arrive. She sends a lot of money home and it seems like feeding strawberries to a donkey; they never have enough. If I had allowed it to be my money, where would I be now?

The flip side of that is this: when it came down to it and she wanted to buy some land I gave her the money. It seemed like she understood that I would help her out with the big stuff if she protected me from the rest of it. She is now fiercely protective of me in regard to demands for cash because, or at least I think because, I came through when it mattered. She also knows that I will come through again when the house needs building.

Looking back on the whole thing, putting my foot down in the beginning was without doubt the defining moment for us; it was so the right thing to do.

My reality though, I suspect, will be more than one property if I don't want to live with her family.

steve. great post!! and exactly what i think i'd be doign int he future
for me, taking care fo the big stuuf, if im married is not a big deal
i just have no need or desire in being bothered with weekly runs to western union because whoever(insert family member needs money) screwed up or something
funny story: we were in hua hin, my gf is from suphan buri, about one hour away
we went up there to look at land and shes pointing out all these plots and explaining the type of house to be built
i turn to her ans say i dont really care because my ass would be planted in hua hin and im only coming for visits to the family house so she'd be able to do what she wants!!
anyways, i like how you dealt with things

steve@thaib · #4 20-08-2006, 03:34

Thanks. I think they have a very different take on the whole family thing and I don't see me fitting into it. If you make a mistake early on and get yourself dragged into it you are heading for a life of hen-pecked misery, does anyone really want to live with their mother in law?

dawsey · #5 20-08-2006, 04:33

Agree with Paul,that was a well thought out and written post Steve.

Looks like setting out your store early on is paying dividends. Nice work.

fun2have · #6 20-08-2006, 07:22

i think to set the standards early is the first step, as Steve@ did.

5000 to 10000 baht a month for rent has probably been paying the rent for your gf and her sister anyway so indirectly you have supported both sisters for some period of time.

the member of the family who is best of financially will see pressure from other members, or feel pressure from percieved family duty will most probably feel they must help others.

2 olders daughters earning better money than those back up in the provinces would be percieved as providers to the others. now with your gf to be in a better position than her sister, the sister believes she can take a backward step in providing for herself now her sister is "set up".

marc26 · #7 21-08-2006, 04:59

if i end up marrying my gf i have every intention of setting the family up a little bit, btu more to be self-sufficient so i dont have to deal with all the petty shit
when lookign at property, my gf has expressed that her parents would grow pineapples on that property and be self-sufficient
and i would hope my gf gets a job in my country or where i live and then it will be her money to doal out

shark1963 · #8 21-08-2006, 05:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by marc26

if i end up marrying my gf i have every intention of setting the family up a little bit, btu more to be self-sufficient so i dont have to deal with all the petty shit
when lookign at property, my gf has expressed that her parents would grow pineapples on that property and be self-sufficient
and i would hope my gf gets a job in my country or where i live and then it will be her money to doal out

i think this is the best way to handle it marc.she wont spend to much money on her family if she has to pay it by her own.But also let her know that you are still there if needed

bayleaf · #9 21-08-2006, 05:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by CeeGee

The problem is the (older)sister.My friend runs a small shop from her house and her sister has a small laundry.My friend assumes that her sister will also move in with us(this means I have to buy a three bedroom house and not a two as intended).
As my friend is coming for a month, this might be a good time to raise the subject again

Try and get the older sister married off to a launderette owning Farang (who likes clean clothes)?!

Whatever you need to consider the older sister if they've been looking out for each other for a long time even if she is an inconvenience. If the buck stops with your friend then inevitably it will now stop with you as main provider.
Otherwise your friend might bear a grudge against you and it will spoil your relationship.

Just my five pence worth.

nelsonone · #10 21-08-2006, 08:47

Totally agree with Stevethab............you gotta set your ground rules now........otherwise the ground will shift faster than an earthquake!!!

maybe try to think of a way to set the sister up slightly separately....say 2 bedroom home for you, wifey + son......well behind.......next door.....or a few houses away from a small one bed place with laundry + separate cooking/bath facilities/smallshopfront......for sis...this way she can be around and separate too + still have a way to make money....

But make sure you let wifey know that this is where it stops.....sis has to make her own money + be self sufficient from that point on...no questions!!!

Just my 2 satangs worth CeeGee.....I wish you all the best with it!!

geespot · #11 22-08-2006, 03:02

Jeez I could write a book on this shite, but I cant be arsed it bursts my balls everytime I think about it

G

africanw · #12 23-08-2006, 08:04

abit off a hard question. As far as I can tell are different case's.

My wife has a house back in Lao where her cousin lives and takes care off. She does not really pay her money but the sister lives for free but looks after the house.

My wife or soon to be wife does not care that much about family. The only one she cares about is her brother as she stop going to school to look after him early on in life.

Looking after the family is also about keeping face as would be the case for my wife's other cousin who is your typical Thai man eater. She goes home and flash's the money and everyone love's her for that and off course he loves that in return. But behind her back they hate her as they do know what she is all about, but she had a bad start to life and is abit messed up (family sold her off to some sex thing).

I have not really ever been asked to look fter any off the family members but I shipped my wife off to Australia when I moved there. She is a much better person out off Thailand.