Bit of a rant, but 100% putting my foot down

[petruccis_son]

First let me say I absolutely knew something like this would happen, as it’s the same with all people who buy things which are not within their financial grasp. But of course at the time, who am I to say anything about it… also of course this was bound to happen at some point because as every report of falang/thai relationships, there is always some kind of way additional money will be drained from the falangs pocket.

Basically my wife’s older brother bought a used (but still pretty new) open back truck about 4/5 months ago – why he bought it I have no idea considering he works in an office!!! (I didn’t think twice about it as to me it’s the same as people buying ridiculously unnecessary range rovers in the middle of London). Anyway the thing cost 450,000 baht and the monthly payments back were around 6/7000 baht per month. As far as I’m aware he earns 12,000 a month salary. His wife earns the same money as he does as they do the same job. So with their combined incomes I think the car was affordable at a push between them if it was THAT important to have.

Anyway, my wife told me last month that his brother has split with his wife and it has happened before, and now it’s un-reconcilable. She said that he has moved in with a friend and so has she. Today my wife got a call from her mum saying they are figuring out what they are going to do because now, her brother can’t afford to keep up the car payments. They apparently have 2 options

1. Give back the car but loose out on all payments to date, including a 50,000 baht initial deposit/payment

Or

2. My wife’s younger brother and my wife all muck in and help with the payments (i.e… my wife end up paying for it…. I.e. one way or another… me paying for it)

My wife said he doesn’t want to give it up because he’ll loose all the money he’s already put down, and he can’t pay for it himself because he’s split from his wife. So my suggestions were: sell it privately and then pay off the outstanding balance. He might take a hit but then it won’t be as bad as giving it up and he can’t afford to keep it one way or another. Also, that’s life and people have to take responsibility for their own choices.

She seemed to ignore that and said she would talk to her parents next week to see if they are willing to take over the payments and then her dad would keep the car and use it for his work.

Now her parents: Yes they own huge no. rai of land, 2 houses, they live off their land, they have everything, huge plantations. But I know for a fact that they cannot afford to shell out 7000 baht per month on a truck which they haven’t needed thus far for their entire lives. So why would they need it now. I know that they are going to basically take the truck off the brother, he’ll loose out on his initial payments so maybe they’ll swing him a few baht who knows, the younger brother wont be interested he’s got his own business in Bangkok and keeps himself to himself – so it’ll be down to my wife to give ‘some’ of her golden coated falang money which I’m sure they think she’s earning bucket loads of (which she isn’t), or ask me. For the next however money years until the car is paid off.

Anyway I’ll get to the point… I’m simply not having that. We don’t even have our own car, and we certainly cannot afford one. We and I say WE because WE are married and that means everything that’s hers is mine and what’s mine is hers, so my 3 grand of debt to get our apartment, pay for flights and visa and get her over here is also her debt. Basically we are in bigger debt than her brother is, we don’t own our own place, we’re no where near in a position to put some money aside for Ourselves to buy our own place, we have to take responsibility for ourselves because no one else is f**king gonna do it! – so why should I let her give our money away which we need to pay rent / food / bills / home essentials / pay our dept / try and save for ourselves … all to pay for something as unnecessary as a truck which wasn’t needed in the first place and too expensive in the first place for the person in question to think about buying. It’s his mistake, and he can sell the truck on privately and possibly take a hit on that. But it’s not our responsibility, we have our own responsibilities and our own things to take care of, we’ve only been married for a few months for f**k sake.

So basically, it’s not happening. My questions is… how can I put it across in the nicest possible way, that he’s going to have to sell the car because we are not paying for it, we cant afford it just as much as he can’t. we discussed about 6 months before we were married that there was no way I was getting involved with anything of this nature, no way in hell… and she understood and took that on board and expected nothing less. But somehow it’s gradually creeping its way in. either way I am insisting that we 100% have nothing to do with it and she will just have to tell them that.

Its fun reading other peoples woes isn’t it?! Ha. Let the surly/entertaining tips/comments begin! please...

[ub2yoo]

Sounds like the world is going down ...

If he can't afford the car anymore, he will have to give it back. Tell your wife that you certainly will be prepaired to chip
in if people are ill, in hospital and other real urgent cases.

But this whole story of a car which can't be financed, I believe my wife wouldn't start a discussion with me about that.

Hope your wife will understand your principles and such money questions will not have any impact on your relationship together.

Question:

Do you have financial plan together with your wife, do you set goals together and involve her in accomplishing these?

We have set realistic goals, mid/long term, and my wife is very keen on accomplishing them, she's blocking out unimportant
material requests kind of by second nature.

Just my suggestion, of cause all and everyone is different and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for others.

[petruccis_son]

Sounds like the world is going down ...

currently according to my cash flow, our finances are going up if we stick to our guns, which we are doing. But this throws a spanner in the works which will **** up our holiday plans for next April. So yeah, it aint happening!

If he can't afford the car anymore, he will have to give it back. Tell your wife that you certainly will be prepared to chip
in if people are ill, in hospital and other real urgent cases.

that’s a good point. And I certainly would help with genuine troubles like that

But this whole story of a car which can't be financed, I believe my wife wouldn't start a discussion with me about that.

Hope your wife will understand your principles and such money questions will not have any impact on your relationship together.

I’m sure she will. She knows what situation we are in right now so to be honest she shouldn’t have even thought about it herself. But I’m sure she’ll be on my side if its all laid out with the facts

Question:

Do you have financial plan together with your wife, do you set goals together and involve her in accomplishing these?

I’ve set a financial plan and I explain it to her so she can understand, one that’s possible to do with a bit of will power. Granted she is a girl and girls just sometimes have to have those new shoes, but in general she is good at knowing that money is not ‘here today gone tomorrow’ like so many thai’s think. I don’t know what she is waiting for in this family ‘talk’, because one way or another she has to know that we’re not paying, or even helping to pay for the truck. Its just my prediction that she’s gonna speak to her mum or brother on the phone, and then tell me what they have concluded should happen. She wont from her own mind tell them that we’re not paying for it, I know she’ll tell me and then let me make the decision (I just hope that she knows in her head already what that decision is! So there are no debates about it)

cheers for the reply ub

[marc26]

Originally Posted by petruccis_son

She wont from her own mind tell them that we’re not paying for it, I know she’ll tell me and then let me make the decision (I just hope that she knows in her head already what that decision is! So there are no debates about it)

cheers for the reply ub

im sure she will pout but just calmly point out to her again the situation you are in financially and that you cant afford to help them out and more importantly, you are not willing to help out in these needless situations, as UP2U pointed out
again, im sure she will pout but get over it

[Dupree00]

It is very crucial for your future to hold your ground on this first time request for a foolish purchase. When her and her family learn this it will help deflect any future frivilous requests.

[petruccis_son]

i wont go into detail yet but she seems to have the oposite opinion, and is basically disagreeing with me on everything, although not backing up any of her points with facts or figures. just being a ***** actually. my plan is failing

[marc26]

Originally Posted by petruccis_son

i wont go into detail yet but she seems to have the oposite opinion, and is basically disagreeing with me on everything, although not backing up any of her points with facts or figures. just being a ***** actually. my plan is failing

your plan is not failing
it is what you have to deal with when you marry a poor thai girl

stick to your guns but try and explain it nicely to her

i know it can be maddening though

[Dupree00]

Originally Posted by petruccis_son

i wont go into detail yet but she seems to have the oposite opinion, and is basically disagreeing with me on everything, although not backing up any of her points with facts or figures. just being a ***** actually. my plan is failing

Just stay calm. Do not lose face by showing you are upset.

[Nanook]

Ub2yoo gave the right advice. Reading that your wife got a rather clear picture on your finances and knowing that you will help in case of real problems like sicknesses etc, she should be able to explain that to her family in the Thai way.
Also make it clear that you want to stick to the long term plans you have both made for yourselves. Problem usually is, that we tend to make long term plans and the Thais more or less live by the day.

Just try to explain again in simple words and not lose your temper, but stay patient, will make it a bit easier I guess. It also won't be easy for your wife to pass on the message I am sure.

Good luck for you both.

[AZZZEY68]

Same prob i had with the wifes sister stand your ground.

[ub2yoo]

Originally Posted by Nanook

Just try to explain again in simple words and not lose your temper, but stay patient, will make it a bit easier I guess. It also won't be easy for your wife to pass on the message I am sure

True, it's also her first time she has to deal with this and is between 2 fronts. Before your marriage she could independently choose what action to take and
do whatever she thought would be possible from her side "alone".

So, indeed, don't be too upset with her, it's all a learning experience for both of you, but once mastered, everyone should have clear expectations
in future.

I believe it's more than just car, it's a principle rule to establish.

[Dodger]

Whoops Pet son nearly posted on your thread, feck got to stop that for starters.

Can I really get away with a one liner????

Sorry no can do!!!

or otherwise you are fecked!! now and in the future.

[cotambear]

Originally Posted by Dupree00

It is very crucial for your future to hold your ground on this first time request for a foolish purchase. When her and her family learn this it will help deflect any future frivilous requests.

Spot on.
Ok he loses the truck and the payments he`s made but its not as if he`d nearly paid off the entire truck is it? Plus he had use of it.
You cannot be seen as the fall back position every time some family member has a problem.
Sometimes in a relationship you have to put your foot down or you will end up being a doormat and flat broke. This is the time.
Sometimes people give in to their girlfriends because they are afraid they`ll leave. Well if you end up as a doormat, broke, with no respect from her she will definately leave you.
Stay firm

[bayleaf]

I think you know the answer, no need to be 'nice'.

Originally Posted by petruccis_son

It’s his mistake, and he can sell the truck on privately and possibly take a hit on that. But it’s not our responsibility, we have our own responsibilities and our own things to take care of, we’ve only been married for a few months for f**k sake.

[Older man]

Originally Posted by petruccis_son

we discussed about 6 months before we were married that there was no way I was getting involved with anything of this nature, no way in hell… and she understood and took that on board and expected nothing less. But somehow it’s gradually creeping its way in.

Looks like you have a serious conflict with you new wife. I would consider this conflict more important that the incident about the money.

How to solve it is harder. In Thai culture when you marry someone you become part of the family and are expected to contribute, but on the other hand it seems you had hard agreements that are broken now by your wife.

You might want to wait with having children if the conflict continues.

[LivinLOS]

Originally Posted by petruccis_son

we discussed about 6 months before we were married that there was no way I was getting involved with anything of this nature, no way in hell… and she understood and took that on board and expected nothing less. But somehow it’s gradually creeping its way in. either way I am insisting that we 100% have nothing to do with it and she will just have to tell them that.

Now heres the mistake..

You may have discussed it.. But she nodded and told you what you needed to hear.. all the while believing she had met her knight in shining armor who would always be there with ready cash to solve all her family woes..

Not being nasty now.. But did you really think that it wasnt so ?? Why ?? Just because your younger ?? For Thais 'love' is intimately linked with support. A failure to do one loses the other (or demonstrates you dont love her).

Sounds like you may not be in the right financial position for a Thai relationship.

Its just my prediction that she’s gonna speak to her mum or brother on the phone, and then tell me what they have concluded should happen. She wont from her own mind tell them that we’re not paying for it, I know she’ll tell me and then let me make the decision (I just hope that she knows in her head already what that decision is! So there are no debates about it)

She is going to do what her family tell her she must do.. Shes the girl, thats how it works, shes snagged the farang, they know the chances of it coming from you are much higher than any other source. They are far higher up her priority ladder than you.

How much have you kicked to the family so far ?? I mean you do expect to kick some sometimes right ?? You dont expect to meet a hottie in a bar, who was probably sending fairly regular small chunks back up the chain and just cut that off ?? Her ability to do that without working in a bar was one of the big motivations for her.

[nelsonone]

just make sure you don't throw the baby out with the truck!

[Maverick351]

I feel for you, as I was in a similar position with the xTGF. The family will always think you will be there to bail them out. They may see it as a payment only monthly (ie 7000 THB), which any falang can pay etc.

What was the amount you were giving her before you married??? (I don't want to know) but I bet the family knew, and think that you could handle the payment.

I can comment more on this type of situation, but my question would really be a new thread.

[StaffsShot]

Originally Posted by LivinLOS

Now heres the mistake..

You may have discussed it.. But she nodded and told you what you needed to hear.. all the while believing she had met her knight in shining armor who would always be there with ready cash to solve all her family woes..

Not being nasty now.. But did you really think that it wasnt so ?? Why ?? Just because your younger ?? For Thais 'love' is intimately linked with support. A failure to do one loses the other (or demonstrates you dont love her).

Sounds like you may not be in the right financial position for a Thai relationship.



She is going to do what her family tell her she must do.. Shes the girl, thats how it works, shes snagged the farang, they know the chances of it coming from you are much higher than any other source. They are far higher up her priority ladder than you.

How much have you kicked to the family so far ?? I mean you do expect to kick some sometimes right ?? You dont expect to meet a hottie in a bar, who was probably sending fairly regular small chunks back up the chain and just cut that off ?? Her ability to do that without working in a bar was one of the big motivations for her.

As usual a spot on post from LivinLos. Her family will come first still and they will expect sister with the falang husband to bail them out.

You need to stand your ground though on this surely or you could be financially in the mire yourself. Good luck

[marc26]

Originally Posted by LivinLOS

Now heres the mistake..

You may have discussed it.. But she nodded and told you what you needed to hear.. all the while believing she had met her knight in shining armor who would always be there with ready cash to solve all her family woes..

Not being nasty now.. But did you really think that it wasnt so ?? Why ?? Just because your younger ?? For Thais 'love' is intimately linked with support. A failure to do one loses the other (or demonstrates you dont love her).

Sounds like you may not be in the right financial position for a Thai relationship.



She is going to do what her family tell her she must do.. Shes the girl, thats how it works, shes snagged the farang, they know the chances of it coming from you are much higher than any other source. They are far higher up her priority ladder than you.

How much have you kicked to the family so far ?? I mean you do expect to kick some sometimes right ?? You dont expect to meet a hottie in a bar, who was probably sending fairly regular small chunks back up the chain and just cut that off ?? Her ability to do that without working in a bar was one of the big motivations for her.

but you dont think he is right to refuse such a frivilous request?
i certainly would refuse

look, Ao needed extra money to stay in a hotel while her mom gets operated on
she knew 100% the money would be there the minute she asked( i actually asked her if she needed it before she had to ask)
but she also knows there is no way in hell im paying for some bozo brother's truck

but i do think he thought it was a different dynamic because he is young but it isnt. i agree with you there

[LivinLOS]

Well yes its his right to refuse.. But its also her right to then wonder if she was right in heading off with a younger guy, maybe he is laying the seeds of his own downfall as she starts thinking about a few of those slightly older but more solvent guys she turned down when she chose him. Its complex.

For your situation you have your rules and you would shoot down a bozo request.. But you have also proved yourself, taken care of her and her kid, shown your the provider for the future