Harry Nicolaides' Weekly Column
Exclusively for Phuket-Info.com
Travelogue
from the Tropics 2
I have spent the last few
weeks catching up with local Aussie expatriates I met on my last
visit to the Island. It seems only a few days passed since being
on Phuket in March. The climate is almost the same except for a
higher probability of rain. Clouds overhang quite low in the tropics.
Mists envelop the tops of small tree-covered mountains creating
precipitation. All vegetation is blossoming in amazing profusion
and colour. The entire island is green and fertile with many layers
of foliage and variety.
Life here is also multi-layered and I'm told I am seeing only things
as they appear on the surface now. In time, I will see a lot more
when I integrate fully. I have enjoyed Western food and Thai in
small quantities./ The tropical heat stifles the appetite and stimulates
a desire for more liquids. Haven't seen a bottle of Pimms yet but
have acquired a taste for the infinite variety of exotic fresh juices.
The pineapple is less acidic here compared with Australia. It has
a natural sweetness that coats the mouth like a delicious nectar.
I have just completed a TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language
course) at Patong Language School. The course, a 4-week intensive
program of teaching methodology and practice, equips graduates with
the credentials and requisite skills to teach English as a second
language in Thailand and the world. It also includes a Thai language
and culture component. Some of the opportunities available to recent
graduates include teaching English to the staff (several hundred
maids,waiters,receptionists, engineers) of some of the 5 star resort
hotels that are cocooned in the tourist zones on the northern and
southern peninsula of the island of Phuket. Plum jobs, 2-3 days
per week with idyllic location.
Others seek their own employment with local high schools, language
academies and recreational businesses like golf courses.
There was even a job going at the Phuket penitentiary in Phuket
Town. It sounded like a good idea - teach prisoners English to help
them re-integrate into a productive life when released. However,
authorities were concerned that the inmates may be gleaning new
skills to employ in defrauding and deceiving tourists. Now that
wouldn't happen in Phuket, would it?
I can think of a more insidious application of new English language
skills - Indian tailors spruiking for clients in Patong with a clarion
call of "bespoke tailoring, measure by measure in the Saville
Row tradition Sir. ." Imitation is the highest form of flattery
they say. Nah! It would never work. Besides "Egyptian cotton
Sir for 50 Baht extra" just wouldn't sound the same with rounded,
beautifully intoned, Ox-bridge vowels. A post-Colonial supercilious
accent is so insincere. Now that would not be good for business!
An entrepreneurial few even translate emails for Patong bar girls!
Noy, Poo, Pim. Mai, Gai and Pong have been conjugating the verb
" to send" in the expression "have you sent the money
to me, my Buffalo sick..." and they didn't even know it. Erstwhile
indefinite articles (a/an as in "would you like (.?.) table
Sir" ) and the occasional rogue preposition ("my boyfriend
is 'at' Italy now. I will go with you but only short time")
also provide work for TEFL teachers. In future columns I will delight
in reproducing choice text messages and emails from bar girls to
their clients...
Over last few weeks I have been thoroughly absorbed in finding a
bungalow, buying a jeep, getting insurance, attending language classes
9-4 pm Mon-Frid., learning to eat new foods(and prepare them) negotiating
the purchase of furniture, electrical appliances, bedding, etc to
furnish my mountain bungalow - which now looks like an small HQ/far-flung
outpost of the British Army..maps on walls, mosquito nets, butterflies..and
a view of the Andaman Sea. In fact it looks just like the sort of
residence Ian Fleming (author James Bond Books) or Greame Greene
may have had - and evaluating various employment opportunities -
in short building a new life!! Caught a few virulent diseases but
not as life threatening as the 100 different varieties of venomous
snakes that infest the rubber plantation on the mountain behind
my bungalow! Have you ever seen a one foot x 3mm centipede. One
just like this landscapes my back garden.
Have made
a few notes which may be developed into the pith of a story for
my novel. In fact a character just walked into the story - an obese
man dressed in shorts and singlet with a shaved head (looking like
an old Marlon Brando as the insane and renegade Colonel Kurtz in
Apocalypse Now) who always carries three small size polystyrene
containers with him everywhere he goes. I have been wondering what
they contained ...body parts and organs for human experiments conducted
in a remote and isolated part of the island where animal and human
physiology is fused using grafting and surgery to create hideous
half-beasts.....
Harry
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