Harry Nicolaides' Weekly Column
Exclusively for Phuket-Info.com
Travelogue
from the Tropics 5
The mythology of Phuket is
arcane and inscrutable. From this dimly-lit shadow land rumours
have surfaced about a mysterious club that revels in debauchery
and dissolution. Like King Arthur's Round Table these craven crusaders
of copulation meet once a month to indulge the most deeply felt
and inhibited impulses of male sexuality - to track down and ravage
a vestal virgin in the dark heart of a primordial forest. This article
is not about this ignoble clandestine order.
Last Weekend I attended my first
ever Hasher's meeting in a remote part of the island north of Bang
Tao Bay. Probably one of the largest social clubs in the world,
"Hasher's" have been around for many years. Albert Stephen
Ignatius Gispert founded the first Hash House Harriers club circa
1938 in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia with now over 1500 Hash clubs world
wide. The name came from the Selangor Club which was notorious for
the dubious provenance of the food that was served there.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that
there was a confluence of influences that led to the conception
of the tradition of “Hashing”. This included Feudal
serfs assuming the role of hounds and hares in a curious parody
of the games of the landed aristocracy. Some suggest a company of
whimsical British soldiers in some far flung outpost of the empire
began a “paper chase” (cutting small pieces of paper
and dropping them on the ground as a paper trail) that spread through
the ranks of the army and then the civilian population. One of these
games went through a ticker-tape parade at the end of the war, where
as a result, 17 soldiers were lost never to be seen or heard from
again!
The Hash today is a hotchpotch
of The Cannonball Run, The Wacky Races and Amundsen's journey to
the Antarctic Pole. The parallels drawn with Arthurian legend do
not end with men meeting and bound together with hoops of steel
for the attainment of some hallowed honour. The Parsifal legend
lives in the Hasher's activities as a Holy Grail allegory: the search
or quest for revelation. For the crusaders it came with trying to
hold the cup that Christ drank from at the last supper. For the
Hash House Harriers of Phuket revelation is found in consuming large
quantities of beer from any receptacle, glass, steel or plastic.
After all. this is the beer club with a running problem!
"Form a circle" thundered
the Grand Master Marshalling the troops. Like a Sergeant Major rousing
his men "are you on, are you on!" he continued. 100 or
so men formed a circle tweaking waxed moustaches and stoking pipes.
A motley group of men from all walks of life almost anonymous to
each other except for their shared objective to complete the hash(traversing
a course over a mountain, through a jungle, across a river and beyond
personal thresholds of endurance and pain). These marauding masochists
run, climb, swim and crawl to the end of a gruelling course set
by "Hares".
"We are neither divinely inspired
by the grace of God nor officially ordained by earthly institution"
said the reverend. That didn't surprise me in view of some of the
nom de plumes that were adopted: Popeye, FRBs(front running bastards),
King Klong, Blue Harlot, White Pointer, Born Loser, Prince Charles
looking Arsehole(HRA), Credit Card Scud, Nahee Man, Defective May
Gray, Blarney Ruble, Moose, Filthy Piss Head, Allo Allo, Testical
Tom, Bicycle Seat, BB(big Bollocks), Iron Pussy......and the list
goes on into infamy and shame.
Absolution and redemption are found
in the beautifully intoned Homage to Queen Victoria" Roll Britannia
marmalade and jam...bang, bang, bang all the way up your...."
This is one of the many sing-song exclamations sung by the group
as a chorus of acknowledgement of some achievement(like bringing
enough cold beer) by a single member of the clan.
The address by the Grand Master
continued punctuated with the profane and the profound. General
club administration, accounting and calender of forthcoming events
was discussed with the occasional flashes of rapier wit. Master
of the invective, the GM directed his most scathing barbs at the
few Frenchmen whom he judged guilty as Lord Executioner for bad
manners, lousy food and other miscellaneous regulatory infractions.
With the beer chilled and the meeting
closed the circle was broken and the game was on. Into the veldt
we all leaped scouring the ground for the elusive clusters of coloured
paper set down earlier by the hares to mark the trail. False trails,
loops, red herrings and short cuts kept us mentally challenged while
the streams, gullies, ravines and hills the hard-core Hasher's (front
running bastards) from the blooper-barons(incl's the infirm, lost,
exhausted, ne'er do wells).
 Barbed
wire designed to stop charging water buffalo was no barrier for
the indomitable few who felt the exhilaration of reaching checkpoints
first. I found myself experiencing debilitating fear when I realised
the black mountain dog chained to a post and growling menacingly
was in fact a guard dog for the bizarre illegal zoo that I had unknowingly
wondered through. I grinned sheepishly as I passed a cage with a
large red-faced monkey with manicured, razor-sharp nails trained
to tear human flesh into silky red ribbons.
The day ended with more revelry,
beer guzzling and ribald exchanges in the circle. Those found remiss
in their duties to the club or otherwise having committed misdemeanours
were ordered to sit, pants down, on a huge block of ice until their
testicles turned blue or they officially recanted, confessed or
retracted offending actions or statements. Other acts of sado-masochistic
pleasure included being forced to sit in a bucket of water with
another member of the club - astride one another, crotch to crotch!
For anyone interested in self-mutilation,
necrophilia, public humiliation and beer consumption in excess -
join the boy scouts.
For anyone interested in bush walking,
making new friends, learning to tie knots and orienteering - come
along to a meeting of the Phuket chapter of the Hash House Harriers
(www.phuket-hhh.org)
NOTE: Any association between the
Phuket Hash House Harriers and the mysterious club on the island
of Phuket that uses human prey in their hunts is vehemently denied.
All members refused knowledge of giving a young Thai girl enough
rations to last a day, affording her a 30 minute head start before
setting off after her. The first man from the hundred or so who
started gets to have his wicked, wicked way with her.
Harry Nicolaides
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