Harry Nicolaides' Weekly Column
Exclusively for Phuket-Info.com
Patong
Language School
 Where
do expatriates in Phuket go to when they are experiencing trouble
in paradise? Embassy? Police station? Tourist information? A serendipitous
turn into an unfamiliar Soi and I ventured into the Patong Language
school. Here I found language training, travel, accommodation and
visa advice, employment and enduring friendships. Patong Language
School has resonances of other far-flung expatriate bastions - Casablanca
has ‘Rick’s Café’, Phnom Peng has ‘The
Journalists' Bar’ and the Raffles Hotel in Singapore has its
famous ‘conciergerie’. At all these sanctuaries for
world-weary travellers, information, guidance and advice are served
with a tumbler of ice and a twist of mischief. Vagabonds-at-large
have sought passports, visas, work permits and salvation from these
de-facto consular offices where the spirit of St Christopher, Patron
Saint of Travellers, can be seen in the curling wisps of cigar smoke
exhaled by the omniscient habitues. At the Patong Language School
the electronic din of faxes, phones, computers is an echo of the
chattering gossip that once served travellers well in the historical
antecedents to private clubs where nationals abroad enjoyed a milieu
of friendship, familiarity and esprit de corps.
Patong Language School (PLS) is
where the travelling cognoscenti in Phuket go to when they need
information and introductions that are not available in guidebooks
or gazetted in consular or ambassadorial despatches. The staff -
expat and Thai - are all permanent residents of Phuket who have
experienced the full range of challenges associated with getting
training, finding employment and adapting to the unique cultural
experience of living in Thailand. The PLS team has also developed
a comprehensive database of organisations, private companies and
governmental agencies which are active on the island. While a false
passport made to order in 24 hours or keys to all the gilded doors
in the Kingdom may not be part of the service, you can learn French,
German, Japanese, Swedish, Italian, Thai and English. These you
can learn from native speakers on staff - learn a language AND cultivate
a bona fide accent. Conjugate the verb ‘I love’ with
confidence. Quote your favourite dead Italian poet. Insult your
friends with finesse - in French or just lie in Thai. At PLS you
will be tutored in the subtle inflections and nuances of your chosen
language as you develop your skills as a cunning linguist.
 PLS
celebrates its 20th anniversary this year as a language school in
Patong’s Aroonsom Square. Overlooking the verdant gardens
adjacent to the Andaman Beach Resort the air-conditioned classrooms
provide cool respite and refreshing intellectual stimulation from
the malignant malaise of Phuket’s meridian heat. I spent four
weeks undertaking a comprehensive Teaching English as a Foreign
Language course at PLS which involved English grammar, beginner
Thai, teaching methedology and supervised teaching practice and
observations of other PLS teachers on the job. The level of professionalism
of the staff at PLS is exceptionally high. These teachers are educators
for whom teaching is an avocacation. Authoratative in the knowledge
of their fields, passionate about the ability of language to transform
meaning and experience and motivated to 'hear sermons in stone,
see books in running brooks and good in everything'. I learned a
great deal about teaching, psychology and linguistics which I currently
build on with the invaluable resource guides, infrastructure and
personal support I enjoy at the offices of PLS.
Shortly after completing the course
I graduated to employment at the Amanpuri hotel, one the world’s
most exclusive resorts. Well you know its serious money when the
hotel doesn't advertise. At all! Ok, there is the occasional 47
page feature in Conde Nast magazine but that's only read by the
super-rich jet-setters after all, not plebs like you. The general
manger and his wife travel the world attending "A" list
soirees and with savoire faire the manager shuffles his business
card into the napkin of the dinner guest next to him (usually a
"Black" master card holder with a personal wealth of over
US$500,000 million, usually cash and bonds). He may be at the opening
night of a Hollywood film and notices Nicole (that's Ms. Nicole
Kidman to all of you) is looking a little peaked. "Oh darling
what you need is a week at Amanpuri Phuket under swaying palms with
a legion of servants - each villa comes with a Cordon Bleu chef,
Maitre 'D, three maids, valet and 2003 model black Mercedes Benz
with liveried driver!" Past guests have included Nicole, Tom,
Mick, Elton, Richard, Michael, Steven, Bill and Bill....Well, I
work teaching English four days a week to hotel staff - cooks, waiters,
maids, drivers, beach captains, pavilion attendants - in a conference
room that looks like the Windsor's Grand Dining room. I even get
served High Tea in the afternoon! In addition to conjugating verbs,
I have taught them, parrot fashion, to say one thing over and over
to all their famous guests - "Have you read Concierge Confidential
Sir? Damned good read! Couldn't put it down for the life of me"
PLS has an out-service program
where teachers are sent to premier hotel resorts, government secondary
schools, recreational clubs and associations, the tourism industry,
small private businesses and large public companies to provide language
tuition to classes and individuals. PLS clients include Sheraton
Grand Laguna, Amanpuri, Banyan Tree Spa, Le Meridian hotel, Royal
Phuket Yacht Club, Patong Place hotel, VS Data Co Ltd., Glad Enterprise
Co Ltd., Prince of Songkla University, Dulwich International College,
Rayavadee, Savoy Seafood and Blue Canyon. The personal networking
opportunities that become available as a result of working with
these clients are formidable. Perhaps a tall glass of iced tea before
you explain to a Thai golf caddy that a ‘long iron’
is not a heavy, ornately carved, medieval weapon used for impaling
a marauding infidel and ‘tee off’ cannot be used as
an invective despite its dismissive resonances.
The multi-faceted, purpose built
business centre at PLS is accessible to individuals and conglomerates:
Photo-copying, laminating, typing, translation & interpreter
services, binding, menu layout and design, facsimile, transcription
of complex legal, technical or personal contracts and correspondence.
Unrequited love with a Patong bar girl (is that possible!)? Send
her an email in Thai. Received a request for money to provide medical
attention to a sick buffalo in Udon Thani? Learn to write your cheques
in Thai signed ‘not negotiable’ with a large caveat
ensuring the funds are not unlawfully disbursed to extinguish the
third-generation personal debt of a small community in Buri Rum.
Been involved in a car accident where a third party crashed into
you while you were duly adhering to the road laws? Advised by the
authorities (the military-backed junta whose municipal offices are
machine-gun outposts) that it’s your fault. Somehow the ‘presumption
of innocence’ characteristic of the adversarial system of
trial law in the West has been inverted to a ‘presumption
of guilt’. After all, if you didn’t choose to travel
to Thailand, rent a vehicle and travel along the road where the
accident occurred then the collision would not have occurred. Inexorable,
linear logic as expounded by Wittgenstein! This chain of reasoning
obviates only one conclusion - it’s your fault! PLS can help
you write a letter to be read out aloud at the next meeting of the
United Nations General Assembly. No one else can help you!
Patong Language School is located
at 5/19-20 Aroonsom Square, Patong Beach, Kathu Phuket 83150.
Tel: 076-340 373 or 340 828. Fax: 076-340 873.
Email: info@phuket-languageschool.com
Web page: www.phuket-languageschool.com
Harry Nicolaides
Graduate
TEFL
August
2003 intake.
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